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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035041">egodeath</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/pey0te/pseuds/pey0te'>pey0te</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Minecraft (Video Game)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Anxiety, Depression, Drugs, Eating Disorders, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, LSD, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Other, Panic Attacks, Platonic Relationships, Recovery, happytwt - Freeform, hello happytwt I love you, vent fic</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-05</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-13 04:42:29</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>35,773</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/29035041</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/pey0te/pseuds/pey0te</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>✧･ﾟ: *✧･ﾟ:*+:｡.｡bad is there when skeppy needs a shoulder to cry and lean on｡.｡:+*:･ﾟ✧*:･ﾟ✧</p><p>platonic, angst, fluff and hurt/comfort. Happy ending i promise, this is about recovery</p><p> </p><p>CHECK TAGS</p><p>THIS IS A VENT FIC, it may be upsetting to read please take care of yourself.</p><p>14.3k reads on wattpad under @pey0te<br/>this will be the edited version of the wattpad chapters, feel free to find me on there too but, i assure you this version is better.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Zak Ahmed &amp; Darryl Noveschosch, Zak Ahmed/Darryl Noveschosch, skephalo - Relationship</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>70</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>3rd person <br/>"ily bad" Zak sent in the minecraft chat right before he disconnected. Darryl's character froze.</p>
<p>"Skeppy left. Skeppy left. Skeppy left." He repeated, spinning his boat around in a pond in one of their many bases. "You know what, I'm sure he's fine. I'm gonna finish my story and I'm sure he'll be back." He reassured himself and the stream, who was now spamming the chat in concern.</p>
<p>Darryl went back to finishing his storytime but couldn't ignore seeing what his viewers were spamming in the chat. "Guys I'm sure he's fine trust me, he probably just wants to be alone right now. I'll check up on him later and make sure he's alright."</p>
<p>Still, he couldn't ignore his own concern for his friend as he talked to his stream. He reached for his phone and decided to send Zak a text.</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Bad:</strong> Hey, not sure what happened but text me when you feel up to it :D</em>
</p>
<p>He hit send and continued his stream for a bit. He helped out Tapl who was currently being hunted down by Zelk. Still, he couldn't ignore his stream chat that was still freaking out over Zak. Darryl went quiet for a bit letting his mind wander.</p>
<p>Thinking about the first time that stream he asked if his friend was okay and got no answer. The second time he asked, Zak had admitted to feeling a bit down, to which Darryl had tried his best to cheer him up with songs and cheesy jokes. Zak had left for a minute to get food and his chat started spamming that on Zak's stream earlier he said he hadn't eaten the whole day. When Zak came back Darryl asked if he got some food but his friend only muttered that he had forgotten.</p>
<p>His phone buzzed on his desk loudly, bringing Darryl out of his thoughts and back to reality. He flipped his screen to face him and saw that Zak had answered. He let out a sigh of relief and unlocked his phone to see what the text was.</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Skeppy:</strong> sorry i'm fine don't worry</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Bad:</strong> you sure?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Skeppy:</strong> not rly. can we talk once you're done streaming?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <em><strong>Bad:</strong> sure i'll call you in a bit. </em>
</p>
<p>Darryl told his stream that Skeppy was fine and to send him love and said he had to go walk rat. He said his multiple goodbyes and i love yous to his stream as he ran back to his and Skeppy's treehouse, logged off, and ended his stream.</p>
<p>He got up from his chair and reached to his bed to pick up his sleeping rat for a quick pet. He then remembered why he had ended his stream and picked up his phone to call his friend. He heard it ring three times before his friend picked up. He took in a deep breath, not sure what to expect. He was used to happy Skeppy. He heard a shaky inhale on the other side of the call.</p>
<p>"Hey Bad," Zak said "sorry I just left like that. Everything was just too much.." He mumbled.</p>
<p>Darryl let out the breath he had been holding and thought of how to answer, never having been in this situation before with Zak even though they had been friends for a few years now. "Hey, it's okay don't apologize. We all need some time to chill out sometimes, I get that." He heard Zak mumble a quick thank you bad, so he decided to continue the conversation, feeling his friend's tiredness. "Is anything going on? You seem really tired lately but today you just haven't been you."</p>
<p>Zak sighed, "I don't know. I just feel exhausted. Like I'm doing everything I need to do to feel accomplished but. I don't know where that energy's coming from. It's like I'm running on nothing and I feel like I just crashed." He finished with a sharp inhale and a shaky sob, finally letting out his emotions.</p>
<p>Darryl felt his chest ache at this sound of his usually happy-go-lucky friend sounding so distraught. "It's okay Skeppy. Let it out I'm here with you. Just take deep breaths for me please." He exaggerated his own breaths hoping Zak would follow. Eventually, the call was silent. A few sniffles here and there, but for the most part, Zak seemed to have calmed down enough for him to keep talking. "Listen, Zak, I admire you for working so hard, but you're overdoing it. It's not healthy, you gotta take care of yourself." he pleaded softly.</p>
<p>A quiet "mhm" came from Zak's mic before he answered. "Yeah, I'm sorry. I think you're right, I'll probably take a little time off from youtube and streaming. I'll probably go to sleep now too, I'm so tired."</p>
<p>Darryl smiles to himself, thinking he had gotten through to him. "That's good to hear. And yes, get some rest please. I'll check in on you tomorrow, alright?"</p>
<p>"Alright Bad, love you."</p>
<p>"Love you too, goodnight Skeppy." Darryl smiles into his phone, as he hung up. He figured he should sleep as well, wanting to be awake enough to help his friend out tomorrow. He put the phone to charge on his nightstand and got ready for bed. He picked up rat and gently tossed her onto the quilt and warped himself in the blankets, closing his eyes and letting sleep take over.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak woke up, still somehow not feeling well-rested at all. He rolled to his side and pushed himself up. He rubbed the crust out of his eyes and blinked a few times allowing himself to actually wake up. He checked his phone to see if he had any messages from bad or anyone but nothing.</p>
<p>He shuffled out of his room and into his kitchen. He had moved back to Florida and into his own apartment hoping to feel at home but also have his own space to be able to record and stream. Once in his kitchen, he blinked into the abyss of the fridge feeling his stomach rumble. He couldn't remember when the last time he ate was. Last night he was going to get some food but felt too upset and decided to just sleep after hanging up with Bad. Letting the fridge doors close, he looked at his counter and focused on a little orange prescription bottle. Zoloft.</p>
<p>He sighed and poured himself a glass of water and popped the pill into his hand and had a staring contest with it before persuading himself to take it.</p>
<p>It was back in Los Angeles in November 2019 that he had started taking them. He had been on a downward spiral and his sister urged him to go to a psychiatrist, who prescribed him Zoloft eventually moving the dose up to 150 mg. He had told no one and just hoped it would work.</p>
<p>Now back in Florida, he stopped seeing his therapist but continued with the prescription his psychiatrist had given him. For a while at first, it worked he felt like he was fine, better than before. But recently he was feeling like a zombie and more depressed than ever.</p>
<p>The sounds of his phone vibrating against the cold countertop brought him back to the present and he checked who it was. He felt himself smile a bit as he read his friend's name on the caller ID.</p>
<p>"Hey Bad!" Zak said as he picked up the call.</p>
<p>"Hey Skeppy, just wanted to check-in. Sorry, I just woke up, guess I've been a bit tired too." Bad laughed a bit into the phone before continuing, "So.. how are you doing?"</p>
<p>Zak looked over at the clock on his oven reading, 14:02, laughing a bit at his friend's awful sleep schedule. "I'm doing alright, you?" Zak tried his best to smile through his words hoping to sound a bit less dead.</p>
<p>Bad didn't believe him too much but figured it'd be best not to push it, for now, not wanting to bring down the mood. "Aw, well I'm glad you're okay. How's your day been so far, have you eaten yet? Had some water? Showered?" Bad said hopeful that his friend seriously wanted to take a break from youtube to take care of himself. He heard silence though, indicating that he had not. Zak felt bad, feeling like he had somehow let his friend down. Bad felt the mood shift as his friend stayed quiet. "Hey it's okay, just want to make sure you're taking care of yourself. Why don't we have breakfast together on the phone?" Bad suggested, to which Skeppy smiled and giggled a bit.</p>
<p>"Like a date?" Zak asked, hoping to mess with his friend just a bit.</p>
<p>Bad would usually feel a bit annoyed but was not relieved to hear his friend joking around a bit. "Sure Zak, a breakfast date."</p>
<p>Zak laughed into the phone hearing his friend use his name with fake annoyance. "Sure then, Darryl, I'd quite like that." He set his phone down on the countertop and pressed the speaker so he could hear Bad and walk around.</p>
<p>"So.. watcha gonna eat Skep?" Bad pressed.</p>
<p>Zak looked around his kitchen. It was pretty barren, the last time he felt the energy to actually go out grocery shopping, he ended up sitting in his car in the parking lot, no being able to coax himself out and into the store. The anxiety was too much and he didn't know why. He calmed down and drove back to his house empty-handed. He didn't want to bother his family because his sister was convinced he was doing alright and he would like to keep it that way.</p>
<p>Bad broke through the silence, "Skeppy?" he waited a bit "Everything alright?"</p>
<p>"Yeah all good sorry Bad, just looking through my kitchen." Zak quickly answered after snapping back into it. Bad hummed in response. Zak opened his fridge again and saw a cup of greek yogurt. There was not much left but it'll suffice, he thought. He put it in a bowl and poured a bit of granola with freeze-dried berries on it. "Made a parfait with what I have."</p>
<p>"Sounds good Skeppy." Bad smiled, happy to hear that his friend would at least be getting a decent breakfast today, hoping it'd start a better day than yesterday. "I'm having some bacon and blueberry muffins, with some coffee of course."</p>
<p>The two silently ate their food, feeling less lonely knowing the other was there, albeit through the phone. Darryl finished first and started to tell Zak about his plans for the day, while the other finished.</p>
<p>Zak's mood started to drop a bit. He hadn't eaten more than half a granola bar and some skittles in at least 2 days. He just had no appetite, he didn't want to let Bad down though so he told his friend he was also done and that he was going to hang up and get cleaned up.</p>
<p>The two said their goodbyes, Bad reminding Zak that if he needed anything or felt down again that he was just a text or call away. Zak smiles at this and said thank you before the two hung up. </p>
<p>Zak sighed. He wished that he didn't have to fake being happy. He didn't want his friend to worry so he tried his best to bring up the energy and seem better than he was yesterday. But all that just left him feeling even more tired than before. He got up from the barstool he had been sitting on while eating breakfast and scooped the remaining food out of his bowl and into the compost. Wishing he could eat more, yet feeling sick just thinking about it.</p>
<p>He left his kitchen and hopped in the shower turning the water to the hottest setting but somehow still feeling a bit cold. He just stood there and let the water hit his chest until eventually he snapped back to reality and shut the water off and got dressed in some new sweats and a long sleeve black shirt. He thought about going out but felt a wave of tiredness come over him as he crawled into his bed and passed out.</p>
<p>After a few hours he woke up, contemplating going back to sleep but seeing it was almost 7 pm, he decided to scroll through twitter instead. A lot of stans we're posting uplifting fan art of him and Bad hugging or just kind messages. He smiled a bit feeling soft for the support he got. He kept scrolling and came across a tweet saying something along the lines of "manifesting a skeppy stream tonight with face cam." He noticed 94 replies most of them agreeing with the original post. A few said they hoped he was taking a break. Zak went and liked the original tweet. He turned his phone off, but it wasn't long before he got notifications of people on twitter posting about how Skeppy was finally active.</p>
<p>With a sign he opened a new tweet, knowing it was too late to take it back and just disappear again. He started to type "stream tonight @/skeppylive on twitch" he pressed tweet and watched his mentions blow up. He saw that Bad liked his tweet and groaned, preparing himself for the lecture he was bound to get.</p>
<p>Like clockwork, his phone buzzed a different pattern than the notification for twitter. He opened imessage and saw a text from Bad.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Bad:</strong>
  <em> You're streaming? I thought you said you were taking a break &gt;:(</em>
</p>
<p>Zak laughed a bit at his friends silly emoticons before thinking up a reply.</p>
<p>
  <strong>Skeppy: </strong>
  <em>They want a stream Bad might as well I slept all day anyways</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Bad:</strong>
  <em> are you sure you're up for it? D:</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> I am :) you wanna play on the smp with me?</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Bad:</strong>
  <em> Sure :)</em>
</p>
<p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> Hell yeah, imma start in like 20 then. cya &lt;3</em>
</p>
<p>Zak threw his phone on his bed and went to his mirror to fix his hair up a tiny bit and finally went to set up his stream before tweeting out the link.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hi happytwt i know youre here</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl got the notification on his phone from Skeppy that he started streaming. He went to his twitter timeline and say a few on the stand he followed freaking out over a face cam stream. That's odd, he thought, Skeppy hasn't streamed with face cam in like 2 months.</p>
<p>He had said he'd join but he wanted to let rat out to run around for a minute. He put some shoes on and went to open his front door to let his impatient dog slip out and sprint through the uncut grass.</p>
<p>Darryl smiled at his dog running around in joy and rolling through the grass without a care in the world. He felt his phone buzz a few times in his back pocket. He took it out and flipped the screen over and saw a bunch of twitter mentions. Tweets asking him to check up on skeppy and things like that. A few others saying that the young streamer didn't look all there or "ok." Worry got to Darryl and he scrolled through his phone until he got to the twitch app. He pulled up his friend's stream and groaned when he was met with a 30-second army ad. He impatiently let the ad pass and waiting for the stream to load.</p>
<p>Everything looked normal at first glance. He focused on the game first and saw Skeppy try to build an addition to their treehouse. He then focused on his friend and his heart dropped at the sight of him.</p>
<p>Zak's tan skin had a grey tint to it, the bags under his eyes stood out even more. His cheeks were a bit sunken in and his smile didn't quite reach his eyes. His eyes, such a beautiful feature of on the boy, usually wide and sparkly with a hint of curiosity and fun looked dull and tired today, even a bit bloodshot. The black long sleeve shirt he had seen in one of Skeppy's photos on instagram, now looked far too baggy.</p>
<p>Darryl got himself together and left the stream to get his rat back inside to talk to Skeppy. He closed the door and walked over to his computer, opened his game, joined the server as well as InvadedLands teamspeak waiting to be dragged in. While he waited he pulled up the stream on another monitor reading chat, seeing them just as worried as he was.</p>
<p>"Hey Bad!" Darryl heard Skeppy exclaim through his headset. He winced, his friend's happy tone sounding far too forced for his liking. He frowned but tried his best to mask his concern for a bit until his friend ended his stream and he could seriously talk.</p>
<p>"Hey Skep, whatcha up to?" He asked as calmly as he could. The two talked for a while and laughed while they built additions to their house in the jungle. Momentarily Darryl forgot what he was concerned about. Not focusing on Skrppy's stream and hearing his friend fake happiness. Eventually, they were ready to end the stream, after 3 hours of playing. Bad said his goodbyes and muted up on teamspeak to let his friend end his stream in peace.</p>
<p>Once it was off, he unmuted and the two sat in teamspeak in silence. All of his worries coming back, he felt like he was watching his friend wither away in front of him. He sighed collecting his thoughts and deciding he had to be a good friend and step in. Before he could say anything though, he heard soft cries coming from the other mic.</p>
<p>"Zak, what's happening?" He asked, not really expecting an answer as he heard his friend try to silence his sobs. Darryl breathed in out letting himself think of what to say. "I'm coming over, alright?"</p>
<p>"You don't have to do that I'll be okay I just need some time, I'm sorry." Zak managed to choke out.</p>
<p>Darryl shook his head at his friend's apology, even though he knew his friend couldn't see him. "No Skeppy, I can't let you go on like this. And don't apologize, there's nothing to be sorry for. I care for you and sometimes we just need someone there for us, let me be there for you right now. Just text me your address and I'll be there."</p>
<p>Zak felt his chest tighten at his friend's words. Not wanting to burden him but also wanting to comply and avoid any more unnecessary worry.</p>
<p>Darryl's phone buzzed and he saw a text from Zak with his address. "Thank you, Skeppy." He sighed with relief that his friend was at least accepting his help. The two stayed silent for a bit as Darryl grabbed a duffel bag and stuffed some clothed in it, as well as other basic necessities. He grabbed a bag of dog food and shoved it in along with rats leash. He picked up his sleeping dog and put everything in the car. Lucy got shotgun. He went back into his room for his phone and wallet. "Hey, Skeppy I'll call you from my phone, alright?" to which Zak just hummed in response.</p>
<p>Darryl left the teamspeak and locked his house to get into his car. He plugged his phone in and punched in Zak's address. They were in the same state but it would still be a 2-hour drive. Not too bad, plus it was late at night so the traffic would be little to none. He propped his phone up and called Skeppy while getting on the interstate.</p>
<p>"Long time no speak Bad" Zak tried to joke while he answered the phone. Darryl smiles a bit at this and just told him to stay on the line while he drove to his house.</p>
<p>He was about 30 minutes away at this point and the whole time was spent sharing dad jokes and random fun facts, Darryl's specialty. at this point, it was almost midnight and he could tell his friend was getting tired. Eventually, he heard soft snores coming from the other side of the call. He smiled a bit, worried about his friend but glad that he was almost there. "See you in a bit Zak," he whispered before hanging up and focusing on the road in front of him.</p>
<p>He pulled up to where the gps took him and saw a tall apartment complex. He decided it'd be easier to park on the street. He got rat on the leash and let her sniff the new city smells while he got his bag out and locked his car. He walked up to the lobby and waiting for an elevator to bring him up to the floor his friend lived on.</p>
<p>Full of worry and excitement, the way up was a blur and he found himself knocking on his friend's door. It took a few knocks, but eventually, he could hear shuffling coming up to the door, and the lock and handle spin and the door opened. He saw his friend peek out as his eyes widened not quite believing his friend was there.</p>
<p>Zak flung the door open and Darryl laughed a bit. "Hey Skeppy," He greeted. Zak engulfed him in a tight hug, shaking a bit, somewhat sad still but mainly joy now.</p>
<p>"I can't believe you came," He said still holding on for dear life. A little while passed but Darryl let his friend hug him for as long as he wanted to. Eventually, Zak pushed back a bit and looked his friend in the eyes, also a bit tearful, "aw, you can call me Zak by the way. Y'know, since it's real life and all."</p>
<p>"Hey Zak, I'm Darryl then." He smiled back at his now yawning friend. Remembering he had just woken up after falling asleep on the call. "Tired?"</p>
<p>"No.." Zak dragged on a bit in an obvious lie.</p>
<p>"Nice try Zak, you look exhausted though. Where's your room?" He asked. Zak pointed to a half-open door at the end of a short hallway. Darryl smiles and took his friend's hand leading him to his room. They walked in and he saw a white room with a window taking up an entire wall, a bathroom opposing the window, and a bed dead center of the room. He sat his friend down and softly pushed him into the bed, dragging the covers up as well as a soft blanket because he could tell he was cold holding his hand that felt like a little icicle. He smiled down at his friend and sat down on the bed just for a moment.</p>
<p>"Thank you Bad," Zak said as he settled under the covers and closes his eyes.</p>
<p>"Nothing to thank me for Zak," He said with a soft smile. Zak quickly let sleep take him under. Darryl took the time to study his friend up close. The lighting of his stream face cam had done him no favors, but in real life, he still looked a bit ill. He sighed, deciding he would just deal with it tomorrow when the two woke up.</p>
<p>He stood up and walked back out into the hall. He glanced at his friend's messy gaming setup right outside of his room, before going into the main room with the kitchen and couch. He saw his rat curled up on the floor and picked her up and brought her to his friend's room, thinking he needed some love, he set rat down and watched her curl up to Zak, who moved a bit in his sleep and put an arm around rat gently.</p>
<p>With a smile, Darryl walked out to the couches and took a throw blanket, and let himself drift off to sleep as well.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl woke up with half of his body hanging off of the tiny couch. He pushed himself up and cracked his neck and back. For a moment he had completed forgotten where he was and was taken aback by the unfamiliar living room. It all came back to him quickly though.</p>
<p>Last night he didn't have time to look at Zak's apartment much. His living room was pretty plain. Two faux leather black couches went around a glass coffee table over a fluffy cream-colored rug. Two ps4 controllers sat at their charging stations on the table. The ps4 on the floor next to a long wooden shelf that supported a pretty large tv. Behind the screen a big wall with white paint. Most of it covered with hand-drawn art and letters from his P.O. box. Darryl smiled at this.</p>
<p>He checked his phone and saw it was a quarter past 9 am. As much as he didn't want to wake his friend up, he also wanted to help him get a healthy sleep-wake schedule. He was also eager to talk to his friend and see what was going on to make him spiral like this.</p>
<p>He tiptoed to Zak's room and peeked into his room. To his dismay, he heard quiet sniffles coming from the small bundle on the bed. He saw Zak curled up facing away from the door and toward the view from the window, with a pillow over his face muffling his cries. He had a hand on rat, gently petting her. Wanting to make his presence known, Darryl walked over to the bed and gently sat criss-cross next to his Zak so he was slightly blocking the window. He gently peeled the pillow from the other face and they both made eye contact for a second before the black-haired boy broke it and brought his gaze down.</p>
<p>Darryl sighed and ran a hand through his own hair. He wanted to talk but he felt like now was probably not the best time, so instead, he settled for simply accompanying Zak until he felt well enough to do something else. He placed his hand on his friend's shoulder, rubbing soft circles with his thumb.</p>
<p>Zak felt something inside him break. He had been trying to hold everything in, but just sitting there with his friend by his side in pure silence hit him like a truck of emotions. He felt sad and hopeless, and empty. But finally, he did not feel completely alone.</p>
<p>Darryl watched his friend with furrowed brows as his brown eyes glazed and overflowed with tears. His soft sniffles became sobs. Rat looked up at her owner, with confusion. Darryl put his hands under Zak's arms and brought his body up against his own, and put all his heart into hugging his friend. They stayed like that for a while. Darryl's grey shirt now had tears stains on the shoulder where Zak had buried his face, but he didn't care. He was just glad he could be here with his friend, even though he didn't understand what was happening. He just sat there and gently stroked his friend's back until the sobs became sniffles again.</p>
<p>"I'm sorry." Zak broke the silence again.</p>
<p>Darryl shook his head, "Please don't feel like have to be sorry for feeling things. It's normal. I rather you let it out than bottle it up." He felt Zak nod into his shoulder. "If it's too much right now let me know, but what's wrong Zak?"</p>
<p>The question made Zak cry a bit more before being able to answer. "Honestly I don't even know anymore. Everything just hurts I'm sorry I'm just so tired of feeling like this."</p>
<p>This only made Darryl worry a bit more but he figured now was not the time to butt his way into Zak's personal life. Not now at least, maybe in a calmer setting. "I'm here with you Zak, I'm sorry you've been dealing with this on your own."</p>
<p>"It's okay, thank you for being here." He managed to get out with a few sniffles but no longer feeling like crying. Now he just felt a bit numb, letting his eyes settle on the view from the window not quite focusing on anything in particular. The silence was broken by Zak's stomach growling. Zak thought to the last thing he had tried to eat being that unfinished parfait almost 24 hours earlier.</p>
<p>Darryl broke the embrace and slowly stood up then gently grabbed his friend's hands to pull him up too. Zak stood up too fast and was overcome by dizziness and black vision as he wobbled on his feet like a newborn.</p>
<p>"Woah," Darryl said holding his friend up, giving him time to adjust. Soon met with a small but reassuring smile from Zak, "When was the last time you had a proper meal, Zak?" He tried to ask as calmly as he could, knowing the answer wouldn't be the one he hoped for. Zak just looked down in guilt.</p>
<p>Darryl understood and nodded towards the door pulling Zak with him. "C'mon let's get some food in ya." He suggested.</p>
<p>The two arrived at the kitchen where Darryl led Zak to a stool and let him sit down. He turned back to face the kitchen, thinking for a moment, before turning around to find Zak with his head in his arms on the countertop. Darryl smiled a bit and figured he'd make some food. He looked through the kitchen a bit disappointed to find it mostly empty. He found a bit of fruit and decided to cut it up and throw it in a bowl, hoping it'd pass decently as a fruit salad. He checked the fridge and found a few eggs left in a carton. Scrambled eggs should be easy enough.</p>
<p>Darryl scooped up the eggshell and reached for the compost bin where he found the parfait from yesterday sitting at the bottom. He frowned but figured it was too late to argue over it. Fixing the two plates with fruit and eggs, he set them down on the counter with two glasses of water and some utensils.</p>
<p>He sat down on the stool next to his friend and noticed the other had fallen asleep. He felt a bit guilty waking him up again but he really wanted to make sure he got a proper breakfast. He gently shook his friend from the shoulder and watched him slowly bring his head up in confusion. Zak goofily grinned when he saw the plate and gave Darryl a quick thanks.</p>
<p>The pair silently ate their meals together, and like last time Darryl finished first. He looked over at his friend's plate to see a good portion of food left. Zak felt his friend's stare and brought his eyes up to meet his friend's gentle green eyes. He got a bit self-conscious knowing he was being watched as he ate and he looked back down.</p>
<p>"I just don't have much of an appetite lately," Zak mumbled. Darryl simply gave a hum in response while he thought his words out.</p>
<p>"I understand, but it's really important to eat. Of course, only eat what you can, I don't want you to feel pressured or sick, but your physical health affects your mental health a lot sometimes, you gotta take care of both bud" He said as he smiled at his friend.</p>
<p>Zak nodded, "Thank you, I'll try." He said as he brought his for down and got some kiwi.</p>
<p>Darryl sighed and patted his friend's back while standing up to get rat some breakfast too. He got her bowl and the food he packed and as soon as the kibble collided with the bowl rat came running into the room. The two boys laughed at rat's eagerness.</p>
<p>"Bad?" Zak asked, and Darryl turned his attention from the white dog to his friend acknowledging him, "Where'd you sleep?"</p>
<p>"On the couch. There was a blanket which I used, I hope you don't mind." Zak just shook his head.</p>
<p>"I'm so sorry. You drove all the way here and slept on the couch, that must've sucked, I'm sorry. We can share my bed. It's really big, you saw. If it makes you feel better we can put a pillow between us." Zak rambled.</p>
<p>"Zak it's ok, thank you. And sure I'm fine with sharing the bed if it's no trouble. Thank you." The two just smiled at each other a comfortable silence falling over them for a minute.</p>
<p>"I think I'm full," Zak whispered breaking the silence. Darryl looked over and saw while there was less food than last time there was still a bit there. He sighed not wanting to push him too much and nodded. "I know I'm being an awful host right now but I'm so tired still I'm gonna go take a nap. Thank you so much for the food." Zak gave Darryl a quick hug and went back to his room curling back up inter the blankets.</p>
<p>In the kitchen, Darryl decided to clean up a bit while he left his friend to rest. He washed the dishes and let them dry on the rack next to the sink. He peeked into the bedroom and heard soft snores. With confidence that his friend would be alright, he decided he would go shopping for some groceries.</p>
<p>He grabbed his keys from the table and took the elevator down to the lobby, walking to his car. He looked for the nearest store on his phone's map and found a trader joe's not too far. After circling the store's parking lot for a few minutes he was able to get a good spot.</p>
<p>He got his mask on and went in to look for the goods. He tried to think "What would Zak like?" He picked you some frozen foods as well as some fresh fruits and veggies. He chose some drinks and snacks. And last but not least, a bag of overpriced dog food for his little monster. He paid and got everything in the car and rushed home, hoping Zak was still asleep. He quietly stepped back into the apparent. Relieved, knowing that his friend was definitely still knocked out.</p>
<p>He set the bags on the kitchen island and started to put things away. Rummaging through the neglected kitchen, laughing a the thought of his friend trying to cook. His laugh quickly coming to a halt when he opened the door of a small cabinet and was met with the small orange pill bottle.</p>
<p>Confused, he grabbed it and started reading it. Zak Ahmed. Zoloft. 150 mg. He read the date on the bottle and saw it was from 4 weeks ago. A frown painted on his face at the realization that the mostly full bottle, probably meant he wasn't taking his prescription adequately. He was no professional, but having taken general psych 101 in college he was aware of the seriousness of the situation.</p>
<p>Darryl hated confrontation but this couldn't wait, he took the bottle and quietly walked across the apartment towards the sleeping Zak. He sighed not knowing what to do. He decided to gently sit on the bed next to him and waiting for him to wake up to talk about it. He ran his hand through his friend's smooth black hair as he slowly began to wake up.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak felt a hand run through his hair as he slowly opened his eyes. The light shining through the window was blinding, he squinted hard trying to adjust to the brightness. He turned a bit around and met gaze with his friend's kind eyes.</p><p>Giving him a subtle smile, Darryl spoke, "Good morning... again," he paused for a bit not knowing how to start. How he wished the circumstances were different and they were just finally meeting up happily. "So I found something while I was putting some stuff away when you were asleep. I wanted to talk to you about it. If you feel up for it." Zak simply nodded, not really sure what to expect.</p><p>Darryl stood up and motioned for Zak to follow. The two walked out into the living room and Darryl started to put on his shoes, "Come walk rat with me? I saw a nice-looking part down the block."</p><p>"Sure, I'm down, let me just go get a hoodie, it's cold." Soon enough the two were silently stood in the elevator as it descended to the lobby. He held the door open while rat to her sweet time sniffing every inch of the lobby.</p><p>There weren't many people on the streets as they silently walked to the park. It was a medium-sized grassy area with some benches. The place was in between Zak's apartment complex and another tall building, most likely office spaces. Darryl guided his friend to a bench in the far end of the park, with some mossy rocks and soft grass that rat immediately ran over to play in. They sat down, looking at the little white dog play around in peaceful silence.</p><p>Darryl slowly turned his body to face his friend, resting his arm on the backrest so get a bit more comfortable. "So Zak," he started, somewhat regretting bringing it up, feeling like he was intruding his personal space, "I found your meds earlier in the kitchen.</p><p>Anxiety caught in Zak's throat, making breathing feel a lot harder all of the sudden. He subconsciously scratched at the side of his wrist, feeling like his friend who he looked up to would now suddenly see him differently. He heard Darryl sigh before gently placing his hand over Zak's and giving it a squeeze to stop him from accidentally hurting himself.</p><p>"Listen, man, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Taking antidepressants doesn't make you any less of a person. I was just kind of concerned. The refill date is from a couple of weeks ago, but the bottle is still pretty much full." He grew quieter toward the end, a bit uneasy of confronting him.</p><p>"They worked for a while at first. Maybe it was because I wanted them to work like magic I guess. But now I just feel absolutely nothing on them." Zak said slowly. He looked up into his friend's eyes and only saw concern, not an ounce of judgment. So he took a deep breath and continued, "Sometimes I rather feel like shit than not feel at all. But honestly, I don't even know anymore. Both are getting unbearable, I just can't take it."</p><p>Darryl felt his heartache seeing his best friend so down, he wished he could just tell a quick joke and cheer him up and move on. But he knew they were past that right now. He brought his arm behind Zak's head and another around his torso as he brought him into a hug.</p><p>"You are strong you just need to push through please no matter how tiring it gets don't give up you can always come to me." Zak just nodded into his chest, wanting to cry but not feeling able to was a strange feeling. They stayed like that for a while, but Darryl could tell his friend was getting cold, as he had started shivering a little when the wind picked up.</p><p>He called rat over and got her leash on again, and then helped his friend up. As they started walking back to the apartment, Darryl tried to think of what to do. He'd never really dealt with anything like this and he didn't want to make a wrong move and accidentally hurt his friend more instead.</p><p>"Zak," he started, somewhat regretting opening his mouth to speak, "maybe you should talk to a doctor about this. I'll always be with you, but I'm no professional."</p><p>"No. I already talked to a professional before, I'm sorry I'll take the stupid pills." Zak says.</p><p>Darryl sighs at this, wanting to believe him but knowing it can't be that easy. Zak's an adult though, he can't really force him to see someone so he just nods, "Alright."</p><p>They walked into Zak's place, enjoying to contrast to the chilly temperature outside. Rat happily ran around the apartment for a bit before calming down and curling up to a pillow on the couch. Zak set the keys down on the coffee table and started to make his way to his room.</p><p>"I'm gonna sleep for a bit if that's alright," Zak mumbled, Darryl just gave him a warm smile and nodded.</p><p>Once Zak left the room Darryl sat down next to his rat and scratched her head as she looked up at him. He pulled out his phone and went to twitter to see his timeline full of people wondering why the two had suddenly become inactive on social media. A few wondering if they had finally met up. Darryl smiled at those and started to write a tweet.</p><p>He explained that they had met and would probably be a bit busy and therefore inactive. He didn't say anything about Zak, not sure if his friend would want his viewers to see him "differently."</p><p>His notifications broke with the likes and replies. Everyone is generally happy that the two were together, not minding that they wouldn't get content for a while. He sat there a while retweeting fan art and just in general interacting with his followers for a bit until he started yawning. He checked the time and saw it was going to be 4 pm. Taking a nap was also pretty tempting, so he set an alarm at 6 just to avoid oversleeping, and set his head down on the pillow next to rat.</p><p>Darryl practically fell off the couch at the sound of his alarm. He hit the stop button and got up, stretching his arms and back. He walked over to the kitchen, feeling a bit hungry, and decided to make some dinner for both of them. Mac n' cheese would be easy to make, and it being his comfort food, he hoped it would bring some comfort to Zak as well.</p><p>When the food was done, he walked over to his friend's room and found him still asleep. Zak looked at peace. He kneeled down next to his friend and gently shook his shoulder.</p><p>"Hey, I made us some dinner." He smiled at his friend who was now waking up a bit.</p><p>"Not very hungry, thanks though Bad," Zak said snuggling back into the covers.</p><p>Darryl frowned and pulled the multiple layers of blankets off his friend, who shivered a bit at the sudden change in temperature.</p><p>"Sorry, you can bring the blankets with you but we're eating dinner." He said while softly tugging Zak's arm towards him.</p><p>"Fine" He huffed as hell begrudgingly got himself out of the comfort of his bed. He took to coziest blanket and wrapped himself like a human burrito and walking behind Darryl towards the scent of warm food.</p><p>Darryl guides Zak to the bowls of mac n cheese and they sat down and began to eat. He looked over and saw Zak just messing around with the food not really eating it.</p><p>Zak just felt too numb to care to eat or do anything really. He felt Darryl nudge him a big with his shoulder.</p><p>"It's gonna get cold why aren't you eating?" He questioned, with furrowed brows. That black-haired boy just looked back down to his plate. He himself didn't really know why.</p><p>"Hmm... Why don't we watch a movie together while we eat? It'll be a nice distraction. Maybe make it easier." He suggested.</p><p>"Sure I guess," Zak answered blandly.</p><p>Darryl took their plates and walked over to the couches and set the food down on the coffee table. Burrito Zak followed and let himself drop on the couch. Darryl handing him his plate and sat down next to him.</p><p>Darryl put on Pirates of the Caribbean and they both sat in the warmth of the couch eating their dinners. Eventually, rat came out from the bedroom and hopped on the couch, and sat between the two. Halfway through the movie Darryl felt a weight drop on his shoulder and saw Zak knocked out with the empty bowl in his hands.</p><p>He smiled and paused the movie, bringing his arms under his friend. The fact that he was still wrapped up in the blanket made it easier to carry him into his room.</p><p>After leaving him on the bed he remembers his offer and decided to just sleep on the other end of the bed to avoid more back pain from the couch. He shut the lights off and tried to steal one of the many blankets Zak was hogging. Soon enough he fell asleep too.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl opened his eyes to the soft sunlight glowing through the curtains. He felt rat waddle up to him and plop herself next to him. He smiled and looked over and saw a bundle of black hair peeking out of the covers. It was almost half to ten so he gently shook Zak, who just groaned back.</p><p>"Come on." He dragged out. But still heard nothing from his friend. After like a minute of pestering him he gave in and got up, throwing his extra blanket over Zak and walking out of the room.</p><p>He felt his stomach growl but he didn't want Zak's food to get cold if he made something for both of them. He settled on making some muffins to pass the time at least. Those still tasted fine cold. He got out the gluten-free muffin mix he had bought and whisked it all together in a bowl and poured them out in the colorful baking cups. He threw those into the oven and passed the time scrolling through twitter until finally, the muffins we ready.</p><p>He pulled them out of the oven and made himself some coffee while they cooled off a bit. He ate two and placed one on a plate for Zak. He frowned seeing his friend had not even moved since he last left him buried under a pile of blankets.</p><p>"Hey, I made some muffins and brought you one. They're pretty good." He said, showing his friend the food he had.</p><p>Zak felt bad, he didn't want to reject his friend but eating felt like such a chore right now. "I'm sorry Bad, I just really can't right now." He said quietly, not making eye contact.</p><p>Darryl just smiled at him and nodded not wanting to push it and make him stressed. "Okay, Skep, maybe later then." He said hopefully, ruffling his hair a bit before walking out, back into the living room kitchen area.</p><p>He placed the plate with Zak's muffin on the counter and covered it up with a bowl so it wouldn't get all gross. He saw the Zoloft and sighed. He didn't want to annoy his friend but, he thought, maybe if he took his meds this might all go away and he'd get the Skeppy he was used to back.</p><p>He walked back over to Zak's room, pills in hand, and kneeled down next to him so they were at eye level. Zak looked completely lost in thought, so Darryl ran his hand through his friend's hair. Slowly, the black-haired boy met eyes with him.</p><p>"Hey, I know you don't feel good but these are supposed to help. You don't want to eat right now and I can't force you, but please just take this." He pleaded with his friend.</p><p>Darryl watched Zak move his gaze down to the pill bottle as his eyes glazed overflowing with tears.</p><p>Zak felt like he was choking, not wanting to look dumb and cry. He just shook his head and looked at the floor, anything to avoid Darryl seeing how weak he felt.</p><p>He heard Darryl sigh and stand up. Zak left the tears tun down his face as soon as his friend left the room. <em>He's probably so done with you</em>, he thought to himself. He heard his friend walk back into the room and saw him squat down next to him again. Still, he avoided eye contact. He felt a hand softly drag across his cheeks, wiping the tears away.</p><p>Darryl gave him an encouraging smile and grabbed Zak's hand and opened it, placing the oval baby-blue pill into his palm. He set the glass of water on the nightstand and put his hand behind Zak's shoulder blades bringing him upright.</p><p>Zak looked down at the pill in his hand and sighed as he reached for the water. He took it and got a sip of water, not wanting to disappoint his friend even more than he felt like he already had.</p><p>"Finish the water, please. Hydrate or Diedrate" Darryl said.</p><p>Zak scoffed at his friend's trashy joke and tilted the glass back finishing the water. Darryl took the cup out of his hand as Zak let himself flop back into the bed. "Thank you." He mumbled.</p><p>"Of course Skep, love u man," Darryl said standing back up. Zak couldn't help but smile a bit at his nickname.</p><p>Darryl walked out and went spent the rest of the afternoon on twitter or walking his dog through the little park. He talked with his discord for a bit, leaving out the fact Zak was in a horrible place mentally. He tweeted out saying he'd be missing his two streams this weekend.</p><p>The next few days were spent the same. Zak still in bed leaving only a few times to shower or use the bathroom. Darryl tried to make soup or anything easy to keep down but Zak would only accept it every now and then out of guilt, and even then still he could barely take a lot of it without feeling nauseous.</p><p>He thought he was at least getting him to take his meds until he found them bundled up in tissue under the nightstand. He must've been spitting them out as soon as he left the room. He sighed picking them up, Zak knowing he had been caught but not caring anymore.</p><p>He couldn't do this alone anymore. He looked down at his friend and saw he looked worse than ever. Zak had always been a pretty attractive person but right now he just looked like shit. He looked sick.</p><p>Darryl kneeled next to his friend. Taking a breath before starting, "Zak, we should go to the hospital. I love you so much and don't think this is me not caring, but I'm not a professional, you need someone who knows what they're doing to help you, Zak." He saw Zak's eyes begin to water and he pulled him into a hug, rubbing his back a bit trying to comfort him. After a while of staying like that, Darryl felt his friend nod and mumble an almost silent "okay."</p><p>Darryl smiled and stood back up, gently placing rat next to Zak hoping she could help him out in keeping Zak calm while he packed up a few things. There was a hospital near his own home a few hours away, so he figured it might be easier to just bring his friend over. He got the duffel bag he brought and put all his things back. A similar bag was sitting empty in one of Zak's closets so he took it and filled it with a lot of his friend's clothes and other things he might need, and threw the two bags into the trunk of his car.</p><p>"Let's go Skep." He said nudging his friend up once he was back in the apartment, ready to leave.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. seven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak stood up, feeling even worse than he felt before. He leaned onto his friend feeling like he might pass out. Darryl put Zak's arm around his shoulder and grabbed his hand for support, seeing how weak he looked. He quickly snagged a blanket, knowing he was probably cold.</p><p>Together they walked out to the car and Darryl helped Zak into the car. Letting him buckle up before placing the blanket over him. Once he got in the driver's seat, Zak was laying his head against the window with his eyes closed.</p><p>The drive was mostly quiet, Zak asleep, and Darryl silently playing some music. A few hours passed and they reached Darryl's small house. He quietly parked and got out to leave rat as well as his own duffel bag.</p><p>Through this Zak was still either asleep or just zoning out, but eventually, they reached the hospital. He helped Zak out of the car and they walked into the emergency room, bringing the duffel bag with them. He took Zak to a chair in a far corner and went up to the reception to check-in.</p><p>Zak was shaking his knee up and down, anxiety getting the best of him. This sucked but he just didn't want to feel this way anymore.</p><p>"It'll be alright Zak. I'm here with you and besides, they just want to help you out, alright?" Darryl tried to reassure him, noticing how stressed he seemed.</p><p>A doctor walked out to them quickly introducing himself.</p><p>"I know you two are together but we're just going to bring him back alone for now. We will come out in a few minutes and you can join us." The doctor explained. Darryl nodded and gave Zak's hand a quick squeeze before watching the two walk through the doors and into wherever they were going.</p><p>Zak felt exhausted but tried his best to answer their questions as a few nurses got some vitals. It was all overwhelming but they seemed genuine and he felt bad if he didn't comply. It was the general stuff, asking what meds he was on, how he was doing, what led up to this if he had felt suicidal at all. He froze at the last one. He felt the only thing keeping him there right now was knowing how to hurt his friend would be if he just decided to quit now.</p><p>Darryl was sat in the waiting room, fiddling his fingers a bit anxious himself, when he saw the same doctor from before walking towards him.</p><p>"Hello again, I'm Dr. Story, you must be Darryl. Zak is fine, he's still in the back talking to some people. Could we have a word before we head back?" He asked formally. Darryl nodded and the doctor took the chair next across from him.</p><p>"So, he seems to have been in withdrawal from the medications. Stopping cold turkey is very dangerous, and it explains why Zak's feeling the way he is. We hear his concerns and are willing to revaluate his prescription, however, he mentioned he did have some thoughts of suicide." Darryl felt his chest ache knowing how horrible Zak was feeling, glad he agreed to come to the hospital. He didn't know what he would've done if Zak went through with anything.</p><p>The doctor continued, "He is also malnourished though so instead of the psych floor, he will have his own room so we can keep a closer eye on him. He'll be here for about two weeks while we get the medications balanced. If you're ready, you can come in and talk to your friend before we take him to his room." Dr. Story stood up, gesturing toward the double doors.</p><p>Zak looked up and saw the doctor he's been talking to with Darryl behind him. He saw nothing but love and concern in his eyes. He was so scared but the relief of seeing a familiar face was instantaneous. Zak had been trying so hard to keep himself together while talking to the doctors. But right now he just couldn't. He sucked in a deep shaky break and just cried.</p><p>"I'll leave you two to it while we set up the room we'll bring you up in a moment." The doctor said before walking out leaving them alone in the room.</p><p>Darryl walked over to the bed and lowered a guard rail so he could sit on the edge of the bed with his friend who was still crying trying to process everything. He grabbed Zak's hands and gave them a squeeze and just stayed quiet giving him some time.</p><p>After a while, Zak's tears dried and he just layers in the bed looking at the ugly ceiling tiles. How had he even gotten to this point, he thought.</p><p>"Zak, you're going to be here for a few days, and I can't come in person, but you will have your phone I can call you whenever we can play 8-ball, it'll be over soon, I promise," Darryl said as calmly as he could, not wanting his friend to see how nervous he was as well. "In a few days, I'll be here picking you up and we can go over to my place. I'll get a room ready for you and everything."</p><p>Zak smiles a bit, feeling semi motivated to get better and actually be able to live his life with his friend. "Thank you, I'm sorry I've been such a mess this whole time, this wasn't how I expected to meet up," Zak mumbled.</p><p>"Hey man it's alright, we all got our downs I'm just glad we can get you some help. I know it hurts but I'll be here with you, okay?"</p><p>Zak just nodded, starting to feel a bit tired from the stress of the days.</p><p>"Sorry to interrupt but the room is ready. Zak can bring his belongings but we will have someone look through them before it can be brought to him. We have your phone number, so we'll keep you updated, but Zak will be able to have his phone and you are free to contact him whenever."</p><p>Darryl stood up from the bed and looked down at his friend. He reached down and hugged him as tight as he could without hurting him and told him to talk to him whenever no matter the time.</p><p>The doctors wheeled him out of sight, up the elevators to his own room. Darryl felt sad knowing how bad it had gotten for Zak. He washed his hands and walked out into the parking look. He sat in his car for a few minutes in silence before sighing, knowing rat was probably missing him. He backed out of the parking spot and drove home listening to his favorite band on shuffle, Starset.</p><p>He got home and it was pretty dark. He had his Saturday stream tomorrow. He tweeted saying it would be moved to twitch for this week just to make it more manageable, knowing chat would be chaos since they knew he and Skeppy had met up.</p><p>He made some quick microwaveable dinner, not feeling enough energy to actually try, and got ready to sleep soon after. Darryl texted Zak goodnight along with a picture of rat, hoping to bring him some joy. He said goodnight to rat too, who snuggled into his side and the two drifted off.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. eight</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl woke up in his own bed, for a second forgetting he was no longer in Zak's apartment. He reached up to stretch his arms and yawned. Rat looked up at her owner and snuggled into his side, where he just calmly pet her head. His phone buzzed with a text from Zak.</p><p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> hey</em>
</p><p>He smiled, glad he could at least talk to his friend if he wasn't allowed to go in to see him in person. Two weeks in the hospital seemed like they'd go by slowly being so bored and alone.</p><p>
  <em><strong>Bad:</strong> Hey skep :D how are you doing?</em>
</p><p><strong>Skeppy:</strong> <em>honestly kinda anxious</em></p><p>Darryl frowned before answering. Just wishing he could go over and give his friend a hug and tell him it would be ok.</p><p><strong>Bad:</strong> <em>What's going on zak</em></p><p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> they said they tube me if i didn't eat and idk why but i just can't </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> fuck they're gonna do it now i'm scared</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Bad:</strong>
  <em> I'm sorry zak it'll be alright text me when they're done and we can talk okay?</em>
</p><p>He didn't get an answer but he knew he'd see his text after and hopefully be up for talking. He sighed as he set his phone in his pocket and began to walk into his kitchen. Why not bake muffins, he thought. Anything for some comfort right now.</p><p>Some time passed, mostly just him scrolling through twitter. He passed by one of Skeppy's tweets, must've sent it out while he was still sleeping. It said he was at the hospital for personal reasons and would be taking a break for a little while. Darryl just replied with a heart and scrolled through the replies, making sure everyone was being respectful.</p><p>His timer went off and he set the tray of the freshly baked muffins on the stovetop to let them cool down for a minute. His phone started buzzing as soon as set the muffins down and he rushed back to the table to answer. It was Zak again. It was a facetime call.</p><p>Darryl happily picked up but was met with Zak's tear-stained face.</p><p>"Darryl," The small black-haired boy sobbed out, trying to calm himself to no avail, "please you have to get me out of here. I'm sure you can sign me out or something. I really hate it here, please. I can't."</p><p>"You can do it, you're strong. It's for your own good, the two weeks will go by fast and then you can come home and we can take it slow from there. How does that sound, Zak?" Darryl said trying to stop his friend from spiraling.</p><p>"I'll try for you," Zak said taking in a shaky deep breath.</p><p>"Thank you, but do it for you, Zak. You're worth it." Zak just looked down a few tears rolling off his sunken cheeks. Darryl took in his appearance. His soft black hair was a mess, going in all directions. His eyes were puffy and red, and very dull and tired-looking. An NG tube coming out from his left nostril. Darryl held back a frown, he was so worried for his friend but he didn't want it to seem that way, knowing Zak would take it as pity and feel guilty.</p><p>"How are you feeling man?" Darryl asked trying to motion to his nose through the phone.</p><p>"It hurts so bad it's so uncomfortable too but just drinking water or moving feels awful. I tried taking it out before they taped it down, but the nurse got mad." Zak said in a raspy voice.</p><p>Darryl hummed in response thinking how scared his friend probably feels right now. "Yeah, it doesn't sound like a nice experience from what the doctor explained. We just all want to see you healthier physically and mentally."</p><p>For the most part, Zak had calmed down now. He seemed a bit shaky but there were no more tears or sobs.</p><p>The two spent a bit longer like that. Just talking about whatever. Eventually, a nurse came in and let him know he would be seeing the hospital psychiatrist in a moment to reevaluate his meds. They said their goodbyes and hung up.</p><p>Darryl sighed in his home. He didn't notice how long the two had been talking but he was happy to be there for him. It must suck going through everything alone. Rat trotted up to him and whining for food and he remembered he had left his muffins out to cool.</p><p>He had lost track of time. Rat must be starving he thought. He served her food and rat started jumping around ecstatically. As soon as she started eating he poured himself some cold brew he had in his fridge and put one of the now cold muffins on a plate. He ate it in silence, feeding rat a piece and recording it to post it to twitter.</p><p>Darryl felt pretty lonely and stressed also and figured might as well stream for a bit since he had missed two already from when he was in Zak's apartment.</p><p>He set up twitch and began to stream. It was pretty relaxing for a while it was just him alone on the smp working on the vacation house Skeppy started but never got to finish. The donations were starting to get a bit stressful. It was a lot of people asking where Skeppy was and why he was in the hospital. People in chat were asking for the donors to stop hearing the tension in Bad's voice as he keeps hit asking them to respect his privacy saying not to worry and that Zak was doing okay.</p><p>He heard the monotone, the user has joined your channel, from teamspeak and saw it was Tapl. He saw how the stream was going and decided to join for a bit.</p><p>The stream went on, Tapl had privately messaged Bad to pause donations for his own sake and he did. It got a bit more peaceful after that. More enjoyable for the viewers and for Bad. Hours passed and they went from minecraft to among us as a few other people joined. It had been 10 hours now, he beat all his friends stream records and was somehow still going. At this point, it was just him, Tapl, and Punz. They didn't have enough people to keep playing among us and at this point, they were too tired to do anything else.</p><p>Darryl's friends urged him to end the stream hearing how tired he was and so he did. Punz left to go sleep and Tapl and Bad stayed silent in the teamspeak room alone.</p><p>He got a text from Zak saying nice stream with a weird emoji. Bad let him know he was talking to Harvey and suggested the three do a group facetime call. From the past, Darryl knew Harvey had had his own struggles with mental health and thought it'd be nice for Zak to talk to someone who maybe could understand a bit more. That and the two were amazing friends, even having lived together at one point so hopefully, that could raise his spirits a bit.</p><p>"Harvey before we call, I just want to let you know he looks a bit sick. Try not to point it out too much I guess." Darryl asked a bit scared of his reaction when he saw their friend. Zak was normally so happy, almost glowing when he would constantly smile and laugh, but right now it was evident that he was going through it.</p><p>Harvey agreed and they all joined a facetime call. Harvey did his best not really mentioning the obvious without letting Zak tell him about it first but it was nice. Zak was being really open for once, Darryl was glad. He was glad the two could relate a bit, and just added on to a bit of their conversation. After a while, though they all began to feel quite sleepy, a nurse at some point coming in to tell Zak to go to sleep. They all said goodnight to each other and left the call.</p><p>Zak set his phone down on a chair he had pulled over to the side of his bed and repurposed as a nightstand. He sighed and crossed his hand over his chest as he let himself sink into the weak hospital pillows. He tried to seem as upbeat as possible for his friends. He knew especially Darryl wanted him to get better, and so did Zak but, the truth is he felt kind of awful.</p><p>He had gotten his meds re-evaluated and they kept the same medication but this time at a lower dose hoping they could keep him from wanting to stop taking them if he leaned on therapy more rather than just medications.</p><p>The feeding tube was making him feel so I'll though. He felt uncomfortable both from the tube having been there and from the gross full feeling he felt. It was also like they stripped every last bit of control he had.</p><p>Overall he just felt weak. But the hopeful look in his friend's eyes whenever they spoke made him want to keep trying. Maybe he would feel better after this and it was just bad at the moment. Hopefully, it would pass soon.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. nine</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The two weeks were up and Darryl was getting ready to go pick Zak up from the hospital. They hadn't seen each other face to face this whole time, facetime calls the only thing they had keeping them in touch this whole time.</p><p>He brought his rat in his car with him, hoping she'd give Zak some comfort. When talking to Zak recently, he seemed optimistic. At first it had been hard for Zak, a lot of face time calls being just them sitting in silence after him breaking down begging to just go home. But eventually, he gave in actually trying to comply with the treatment.</p><p>While pulling up to the hospital, Darryl felt excited to finally see his friend again but he couldn't help but be worried that nothing had changed. Before coming he had talked to Zak's doctors. They told him that although his friend was definitely in a better place now then when he was admitted, recovery would have its ups and downs. The psychiatrist also suggested an intensive outpatient program for Zak, group therapy along with individual therapy multiple times a week. Darryl had never really been in this situation so he felt a bit lost, but he agreed to IOP if it would help his friend.</p><p>The song he had been zoning out to ended and silence filled the car. He took a sharp breath in, mustering up the courage to walk into the building. He walked inside and let the receptionist know he was going to pick Zak Ahmed up. She checked something on her computer and called presumably the floor he was at and turned back to Darryl and asked him to wait outside and they'd bring Zak out.</p><p>Darryl stood outside and leaned on a tree by the main entrance. He scrolled on twitter a bit and saw a lot of sappy fanart people had made for his friend. He saved a lot of it to show Zak later on if he felt up for it. As he was retweeting something, the crack of the heavy hospital doors opening surprised him. He looked up and saw Zak being lead out by a nurse.</p><p>"Darryl!" he explained running up to him with his arms extending. He jumped at the slightly taller man. He snuggled his face into the other shoulder, "I missed you."</p><p>Darryl felt his heart flutter a bit, also so happy to finally be with his friend again. After regaining his balance from almost getting knocked down by his friend jumping upon him, he put his arms around Zak to steady him as he walked over to his car. The two got into the car and immediately the little white dog ran up to Zak and started licking his face. Zak giggled as he struggled to control the fluff ball that was currently attacking him. Darryl smiles at the two and especially at hearing Zak laugh. A tear escaped his eye followed my many more.</p><p>"What wrong?" Zak frowned, placing rat down in his lap and squeezing Darryl's shoulder a bit.</p><p>"I was just so worried but I don't know, now seeing you here smiling right now, I'm just happy," Darryl explained wiping his tears with the sleeves of his sweater. Zak reached over the middle of the car and gave his friend a hug hoping to reassure him that for now at least he was alright.</p><p>The two stayed in the hug for a while, enjoying the other's company and warmth. Eventually, rat started whining from the lack of attention and they separated laughing at the dog's neediness.</p><p>"Let's go home, Zak." Darryl said through a soft smile as he started up the car. The drive was quiet but peaceful. Eventually, they got to the downtown area and Darryl spotted his favorite cafe. A small family-owned place with warm comforting vibes. He smiled thinking about it.</p><p>"Hey, you hungry Zak? There's this place I really like here." He suggested, slowing down a bit so he'd be able to park nearby.</p><p>Zak just now seemed to zone back in and look around at the unfamiliar town before answering. "Sure, why not."</p><p>They parked and made their way to the cafe. The door jingled on their way in. Zak looked around taking in the scent of fall candles and the cute booth seats lined with pillows. Meanwhile, the owners were greeting Darryl.</p><p>"I'll have my usual iced americano and whatever muffin you have fresh from today." Darryl chirped, expectantly looking over at his slightly shorter friend to take his own order.</p><p>"Um," Zak stalled for a moment as hungry as he should have been he couldn't really settle on anything. Honestly, the anxiety over the food he'd started feeling recently had been washed out by the euphoria of leaving the hospital. But knowing this was his first outing where he'd be in control, made him kind of lose his appetite He knew his friend was eager to take him here and he didn't want to disappoint so he decided on just a drink. "I'll take a small mocha please, with almond milk."</p><p>Darryl glanced over at him, shooting him a quick look of concern, to which Zak just smiled, hoping to reassure him. They paid, got their items, and went to sit at a booth right by the window. Zak scooted to the very corner and brought his legs up to his chest, feeling a bit cold.</p><p>"How come you just got the drink?" Darryl asked slightly fidgeting with his fingers, a bit worried.</p><p>"Truly, I'm fine." Zak tried smiling it off. "I'm fine. Just after being tube fed and watched like a hawk till every last crumb was gone at the hospital, I just want a chill second. Like a breather I guess." He reassured his friend, and himself. Darryl just smiled back, choosing to believe him as he started eating his muffin.</p><p>He really wanted to get better this time. The last time he had tried felt hopeless, alone in LA. But now he had his best friend with him. Maybe if he really tried, he could get better this time. People always say it gets better, eventually, it has to right?</p><p>Zak was brought back from his thoughts by the sting of the hot cup against his cold hands. He'd forgotten he was holding it. He took a sip and recoiled from the burning sweet liquid, quickly blowing at the drink to make it drinkable.</p><p>Darryl chuckled a bit at his friend's cute mannerisms. The way he made himself seem as small as possible. And how his sleeves covered his hands in little sweater paws he'd use to hide his face in if he ever blushed or laughed. And how he was now gently blowing into his cup to cool down his drink enough for it to not burn. He had really missed Zak, he just wanted to savor this peaceful moment. They had things to talk about but maybe not now. He'd rather not kill this moment. He felt the two were finally at peace for one, maybe. Calm before the storm, maybe.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. ten</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The two had finished their drinks at the cafe and were now arriving at Bad's house. Darryl popped the trunk and got Zak's bag out as the other awkwardly stood there. With a gentle hand on the small of his friend's back, Darryl leads them to the front door. Each step closer, Rats excited little barks could be heard a bit more clearly. The two just laughed at her as the taller unlocked door.</p><p>"Thank you Bad, you really don't have to do any of this. I don't wanna add more to your plate." Zak said as he followed the other into the house.</p><p>"Zak you're my best friend, so shut up, you always drop everything for me, so let me do the same. Plus we're just hanging out alright. Sure, we meet at a tough time but here we are." Darryl gave him a soft smile while dropping his keys and wallet on the kitchen counter. "Let's drop your stuff off at your room and then we can talk a bit, sound good?"</p><p>Zak nodded. He wanted so desperately to believe what Bad had said was true, but part of him couldn't help but feel like a burden. <em>Why do you have to be so dysfunctional? Now he has to stop everything to take care of you like you're a fucking child. </em>Zak thought to himself. He felt the anxiety start to build up like some invisible force was just pushing down on his chest.</p><p>He stayed behind Bad as he walked to his room. Not wanting to worry him even more he tried to shove his anxiety down by scratching at the side of his wrist to keep himself from spiraling but it only seemed to make it worse. He was brought out of his thoughts by two gentle hands grabbing his own and bringing them apart. He looked up and was met by Darryl looking at him with furrowed brows.</p><p>"You okay, Zak?" He looked into his friend's eyes as the other nodded. "Alright, well this is your room." He continued never dropping his smile.</p><p>Zak looked around the room in front of. It was decently sized, with white walls and a soft blue bedsheet, the same color of his minecraft skin. In the center of the bed was a soft-looking duck stuffed animal. Besides that was a pretty big empty desk and a spinny chair.</p><p>Zak turned around and gave his friend a hug. "Thank you man."</p><p>"Of course, I really am happy that you're here, Zak." Darryl said while hugging back and gently brushing through the slightly shorter man's dark hair. They broke the embrace and Darryl just let him know to meet him in the kitchen when he was done unpacking.</p><p>Once he was alone in his room he flopped onto the bed and just let himself process the past 3 weeks. This didn't feel real. Eventually, he started folding his clothes from his duffel bag and tossing them into a drawer.</p><p>He felt gross from the hospital and decided to just take a shower and start fresh, maybe that'd help him calm his nerves of everything happening so fast. Zak brought a new set of clothes with him to the bathroom and got his toiletries too.</p><p>As he left the water heat up, he rummaged through a tiny bag searching for his shampoo and body way. When he finally found it though he saw the razor he'd been accustomed to taking apart and putting back together, to get away with his dark coping mechanism.</p><p>He hadn't cut in a while, honestly hadn't been really thought of it too much until now. Zak forced his eyes shut and leaned back onto the bathroom wall tapping his head against it, hoping the unexpected urge would pass, although it only felt like it was getting stronger by the minute.</p><p><em>Fuck it</em>. He checked the lock on the door and took the small blade out. As he did it, his mind clouded over momentarily feeling some sort of fucked up relief. Once he was done though, it all came back, this time extra guilt, knowing his friend was literally a wall away.</p><p>He cried a bit as he quickly walked into the shower, letting the hot water wash everything away. He quickly pieced himself together as much as he could and shut the water off. He dried off and made sure he was no longer bleeding. They stung a little and he could feel his heartbeat in his arm but he tried to ignore it for now.</p><p>Zak threw on some grey sweat pants and a ridiculously large black hoodie. He looked in the mirror, splashing his face with cold water one last time to look like he wasn't just crying in the shower. He finally got enough courage to walk out and meet his friend in the kitchen.</p><p>"Hey Bad." Zak said as he took a seat at the wooden table right in front of the kitchen. His friend jumped a bit, not having heard him trudge down the hall.</p><p>"Hey, scared me you muffin head." Darryl laughed a bit while turning around with two plates in hand. "Made us some spaghetti. Mine is gluten-free but I got you normal noodles, I wasn't sure how'd you feel about the other ones." He rambled.</p><p>Zak managed to laugh a little, although some weird not so pleasant feeling came up at the thought of food right now. "Thanks, it looks good."</p><p>The plates were set in front of them, along with some water as Darryl sat down. The two began to dig into their meal. Zak pushed around the pasta for a bit before giving in and taking a bit of what he had swirled around his fork. He suddenly felt anxious again and quickly set the fork down to take a swig of water. He rubbed the now sweaty palms of his hands against his jeans while having a staring contest with the food. Darryl lightly nudged him.</p><p>"Hey you don't have to finish it. I served you as much as I served myself so don't be intimidated by all of it. Just eat as much as you're comfortable with and then we can talk." Darryl smiled at his friend. He had no clue what he was doing and was scared to say anything to hurt Zak more. He was just doing his best to help his friend heal.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. eleven</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl discreetly watched his friend nervously eat his food. He wanted to be there for him but this was new to him. Sure he'd heard about depression and anxiety, them having become a topic of open conversation in society recently. But eating disorders, he felt confused about. Zak never seemed to be self-conscious much, he was always the most outgoing and most willing to do face cam streams and take photoshoots. The psychiatrist had told him over the phone when talking before checking Zak out of the hospital, that a lot of eating disorders centered around control and perfectionism. Which, now that he thought about it, kinda made sense in Zak's case.</p><p>Zak was still working on the spaghetti, his hand slightly shaking. Darryl was just glad that he was at least trying his best to eat. He couldn't imagine how shitty all this must feel. At some point, Zak just set the fork down and dropped his head in his hands just trying to concentrate on breathing. It wasn't going too well though. It felt like his throat was closing up. He was so focused on every overwhelming thought and feeling right now that he didn't even notice Darryl calling out to him.</p><p>It was like suddenly, everything around him was loud, fast, and maybe even spinning slightly. But in contrast, he felt like he was swimming through thick mud, slowly suffocating.</p><p>"Zak!" He heard Darryl call to him. It sounded desperate and kind of far away. He winced at it darting his eyes around but his vision was blurry and slowly darkening at the lack of air he was getting.</p><p>His head was still in his hands, fingers pulling at his hair feeling desperate to get over whatever the fuck was happening right now. He could practically hear his heart and felt it bounding everywhere. Hot salty tears made their way out of his eyes as he broke. He'd been trying to keep himself together this whole time but this was too much. Everything was too much.</p><p>Darryl watched his friend not completely sure of what to do. He tried to not make any sudden movements, not wanting to make his anxiety worse, as he grabbed Zaks wrists, pulling his hands away from his face.</p><p>"Oh, skep." He said gently, looking at his friend's tear-streaked face. Zak looked up but it didn't seem like he could see or focus on anything, not really paying notice to his worried friend in front of him or the world around him.</p><p>"Zak?" He repeated, still nothing. His breathing had just become more erratic kind of like gasps every now and then. Darryl stood up and squatted next to where the other was sitting. He put his hand on Zak's back and sat him up more, hoping it'd help him breathe easier.</p><p>"Breathe with me alright, this will pass, just try to mimic how I breathe alright?" Darryl urged. Zak just nodded but even after trying to follow after his friend he couldn't stop panicking, he just kept losing control.</p><p>Darryl watched Zak's eyes flutter as he went limp in his arms. He sighed and scooped his friend up, walking both of them to the couch. He laid him down and covered him with a throw blanket he had nearby. Darryl sat down on the floor near his friend's face as the other began to stir back into consciousness.</p><p>Zak jolted upwards suddenly, his eyes darting around. Darryl pushed his chest, making him lay back down.</p><p>"Relax Zak, you're okay. You blacked out when you were panicking and I brought you here. Deep breaths man, alright?" Darryl said, brushing the hair out of Zaks face, who was nodding slightly in response. They sat there in mostly silence for a bit while Zak got his breathing back under control.</p><p>"You're doing great Zak," Darryl said, reaching over to grab one of his Zaks cold hands and giving it a supportive squeeze.</p><p>"Thanks, Bad." He mumbled back, face flushing a bit in embarrassment. </p><p>"I'll make us something warm to drink and then we can talk a little more," Darryl suggested. Zak nodded, letting the couch swallow him as he curled up under the soft blanket that was draped over him.</p><p>Back in the kitchen, Darryl was deciding between tea or hot chocolate. He decided on a nice fir tree needle tea. It has a really calming scent, hopefully, Zak will think so too. He brought the two steaming mugs back to the living room and set them down on the coffee table.</p><p>Zak pushed himself up and brought his knees up to his chest, comfortably grabbing the corners of the blanket and wrapping it around himself. Darryl sat next to him and handed him one of the mugs.</p><p>Darryl let him chill for a moment, but just enjoying the company and the nice tea.</p><p>"Alright, I just wanna talk a bit. I know that probably makes you stressed but that's why I wanted us to just be here nice and calm while we talk alright?" Darryl said before taking a sip from his steaming cup. Zak didn't say anything back, but he leaned his cheek onto his taller friend's shoulder and nodded, acknowledging his words.</p><p>"I love having you here and hanging out, but we need to focus on getting you to a good place. You have IOP 3 times a week a couple of hours each time. You have your own room but please keep the door open or unlocked for now at least okay?"</p><p>"I'm not a baby." Zak snapped, suddenly annoyed.</p><p>"I never said you were, but just for now while everything levels out." Darryl reasoned, trying to keep his friend calm, understanding that it probably doesn't feel great to feel babied by your best friend as a 20-year-old man. "Also, your new prescription is here, same meds but lower dosage. We need to be consistent with that alright?"</p><p>Zak just hummed, taking a sip of his own drink before responding.</p><p>"I haven't streamed or uploaded in 3 weeks. I cant pay for IOP or meds much less rent right now."</p><p>Darryl shook his head brushing through his friends soft hair. "Focus on getting better, I don't want you worrying about anything else right now okay?"</p><p>"Thank you Darryl. Seriously man I love you, I don't think I'd be here without you." Zak said quietly almost hoping the other wouldn't hear the last but he did.</p><p>As much as Darryl hated hearing that, the possibility of Zak not being here, he was glad that things worked out the way they did.</p><p>"I love you too Zak," Darryl said through a smile as he gently wrapped his arms around his smaller friend and gave him a tight hug. Sure Zak was in a rough place right now and needed someone. But Darryl needed him just as much. They were amazing friends and they would've met either way, but he was thankful for the timing that they found themselves in. Two best friends supporting each other.</p>
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<a name="section0012"><h2>12. twelve</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl woke up to the bright golden morning sunlight pouring in through the living room window. He was a bit confused as to why he was waking up in his living. That is until he saw a tuft of silky hair hidden under the blankets. Zak was knocked out, tiny little snores that Darryl had to choke a laugh it.</p><p>When he checked the time he realized it wasn't as early as he thought, it was almost noon and Zak had to be at IOP in an hour and a half. He carefully crawled off the couch and threw rat where he had been sleeping and watched Zak curl up to the confused dog. Before going to the kitchen to get breakfast he got a quick picture of Zak and rat bundled up.</p><p>He wasn't sure what to make for breakfast. Not knowing if some food would stress his friend out more than others. Darryl settles on making pancakes though because, well, who hates pancakes.</p><p>He mixed all the ingredients and buttered the pan up. A sizzling sound floated through the quiet house as he plopped a spoonful of the mix on the pan. He made 6 pancakes, so he and Zak could split them evenly is Zak felt up for it and placed them on a nice plate at the center of the table. He squeezed some fresh orange juice and set that by the plates as well.</p><p>The white paper bag caught his eye and he popped out one of the pills onto his hand and left that by Zak's cup.</p><p>"Wake up sleepy." Darryl leaned down and whispered in Zak's ear, who shivered at the unexpected noise. He just groaned in response and flip around to face away from Darryl. "Alright, but you asked for it."</p><p>He walked back into the kitchen and got some peanut butter on his finger. Tiptoeing to not give himself away he went back to Zak and saw Rat perk up at the smell of the treat. Darryl smeared it on Zak's cheek and Rat promptly jumped all over him licking it off.</p><p>Both of their laughs filled the house as rat kept attacking Zak, who had now curled up hiding away from the hungry dog.</p><p>"Darryl why?" Zak whined giving his friend a pout.</p><p>"At least you're awake now." He smirked back, still laughing a bit at his prank. "Come on, get up. I made pancakes and then we have to take you to group therapy."</p><p>Zak groaned but complying getting up. "Let me go change real quick." Zak got into a fresh hoodie and splashed water in his face, trying to get the eye crusties out.</p><p>They sat down at the table and a fluffy pancake was dropped on Zak's plate. He looked up and saw Darryl giving him a kind smile.</p><p>"Here," Darryl nudges the pill and juice closer to Zak, "Take this first please." Zak felt embarrassed and weak but complied and swallowed the tiny blue pill, avoiding eye contact with his friend.</p><p>The pill now gone, left the pancake, taunting him from the plate. Zak took a deep breath in before cutting a triangle into the pancake and shoveling it into his mouth. He got a bit self-conscious seeing his friend was on his third pancake while he still had a quarter of his first pancake left.</p><p>"I'm gonna go brush my teeth," Zak said standing up suddenly, making his friend look over at him and then his plate. His mind screaming at him to get rid of it.</p><p>"You have a few bites left, you can do it. You need the energy." Darryl said, kindly but with more of a serious tone, this wasn't up for debate. Zak anxiously ran a hand through his hair before sitting back down. "Breathe Zak."</p><p>Darryl watched as Zak finished his pancake. Just looking at his friend he could tell there was a lot going on in his head. He couldn't imagine how something as mundane as eating, something Darryl enjoyed, could be such a dreadful taxing task for Zak. Eventually, the plate was clear, Darryl avoided making a big deal out of it, not wanting to stress Zak out more. So he just gave him an encouraging smile. They sat there for a minute, Zak having closed his eyes to collect his thoughts a bit before both of them stood up.</p><p>They walked out to Darryl's car, ready to go drop Zak off at the hospital. Rat came with them, cuddling up on Zaks lap, providing moral support and so Darryl and she could go for a walk during the two hours Zak would be there. They parked and sat there in the hospital lot for a little while.</p><p>Darryl looked over at Zak and saw him nervously fidgeting with his hands.</p><p>"Hey man, it's alright. You go in there, do your thing, and I'll be here when you're done, I promise. Then we can go do something nice."</p><p>Zak nodded, swallowing the slight lump in his throat while wondering how he'd gotten to this point in his life. His online best friend here dragging his sad ass to group therapy. Eventually, he said fuck it and gave Darryl a quick side hug and rat a quick scratch behind the ears, before willing himself out of the car and into the building.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. thirteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl watched his friend get smaller as he walked away until he eventually slipped into the hospital. He sighed. This had to be hard for Zak so he wanted to make sure to be there when he was done just as he promised. Leash in hand, the man and his dog walked to a nearby park. He unclipped rats leash and laughed a bit as she ran around chasing poor birds in the grass.</p><p>A loud ring startled the man as he pulled his phone out of his pocket.</p><p>"Bad!" His friend Dream screamed into the phone as Darryl recoiled pulling the speaker away from his ear.</p><p>"Hey Dream what's up."</p><p>"We've all been worried about you guys. First Skeppy streams looking like shit then disappears then you just fall off the face of the earth too, like the fuck?" Dream rambled.</p><p>"First of all, language. But yeah, sorry for not giving you guys a heads up or anything. I've been busy with Zak." Darryl confessed.</p><p>"What, are you his mommy" Dream laughed a bit, he and his friends used to lovingly teasing Bad for the soft spot he clearly had for Skep.</p><p>"What? No, shut up Dream. He's just not doing well right now." He said a bit defensively.</p><p>"I know Bad, I know." Dream said softly through a smile. "I'm just messing with you. Is he okay?"</p><p>"I don't know. I guess? He's working on it but the doctor said progress isn't instantaneous." Darryl said quietly. Silence filled the call for a minute, till he started thinking out loud, "It's so out of the blue he seemed so happy but he's hid everything so well these years. How didn't we notice till he hit rock bottom, Dream?"</p><p>"People just want to show the best version of themselves on the internet."</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>They spent a while talking on the phone. About their pets, Rat, and Patches. And about Dream maybe going to the UK to make it up to George and his fans for faking the vlog. And to having Skeppy join their next minecraft manhunt, when he felt better of course.</p><p>Eventually, though, Darryl's phone went off, startling them both, letting him know it was time to head back to pick Zak up. He and Dream said their goodbyes and Darryl walked rat back to the car.</p><p>A few minutes passed and he looked over to see a frustrated Zak, begrudgingly making his way over, opening the door, and dropping himself into the seat. Darryl stifled a laugh at the funny look on his friend's face, it was like seeing an angry teddy bear.</p><p>"What's wrong Zak?" He dragged out his name a bit trying to lighten the mood.</p><p>"Group therapy is shit. This is why I stopped going to therapy last year." Zak spat out still annoyed.</p><p>"Why'd you say that?"</p><p>"They're just picking and prodding at everything, like damn just let me be sad." Darryl just hummed, thinking before answering, not wanting to come off as condescending.</p><p>"Isn't that the point of therapy? Picking and prodding so you don't keep all that stuff running around your lil head all bottled up?" Darryl mumbled, reaching over to massage Zak's tense shoulder.</p><p>"I mean yeah," Zak said thinking how much was too much to say, not wanting to scare his friend away with too much pessimism, "but shit, they may as well just let me be sad. Group therapy is such a pity party. They baby everyone like they're crazy and fragile," he pouted, glancing over at bad quickly, muttering, "I'm not crazy or fragile."</p><p>Darryl watched as Zak stopped talking and sighed, running a hand through his hair and leaning his elbow on the window.</p><p>"You're not any of those things. Seeking some extra support doesn't make you crazy or fragile or weak or whatever your minds telling you you are, Zak." Darryl smiled, content when Zak nodded and smiled back giving him a quiet thank you. "Why don't we do something fun?"</p><p>"Like what?" Zak said perking up a bit.</p><p>"We could hike a bit," Darryl suggested, and Zak agreed.</p><p>They left the hospital and drove to a nearby supermarket, Darryl picking a to-go lunch salad for Zak and a bowl of macaroni for himself, as well as three water bottles. They parked at the bottom of a pretty empty hiking spot that leads to a bunch of picnic tables at the top of a grassy clearing. He saw Zak looking pretty tired, and they sat down at the table in the very center. They poured out some water for rat, who was equally exhausted after the walk, even forcing Darryl to carry her up the last bit.</p><p>With a bit of encouragement, Zak was able to finish up the majority of his salad. His anxiety nipping at him every now and then but Darryl tried to keep him in the moment pointing out deer and a few birds or cool-looking flowers. At some point, a bee made its way onto Darryl's nose and he froze in fear while Zak began to laugh so hard he wheezed. The younger eventually brought his finger to Bad's nose allowing their new friend to crawl to its new perch before flying off.</p><p>The rest of the day went by peacefully as they made their way back down to the car after watching the sunset. Almost tripping a few times on twigs in the dark path. They settled in back at home and decided to watch a horror movie, Zak getting to laugh at Darryl's expense once again as the other hid under the blankets in fear. In any other situation, Darryl would've playfully pouted, but he couldn't wipe the smile of his face when he heard his friends genuine laughter.</p><p>Darryl felt Zak's head fall onto his shoulder and he paused the film. He scooped Zak up with ease and carried him over to his room, tucking him into the light blue comforter. As Darryl walked back to his own room, he smiled at the peaceful look that was on Zak's face, hoping his friend would have nothing but happy dreams, he deserved it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0014"><h2>14. fourteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It was the end of the first week of having Zak home. He'd been taking his meds and eating well, going to all his IOP sessions, reluctantly, but going nonetheless. As much as he wanted to think that after his two-week stay at the hospital, Zak would just be better, Darryl could tell it really was an uphill battle.</p><p>Zak was really just glad to not be alone. The week had been hard, but he couldn't imagine getting through it without his friend. As much as it annoyed him to feel like Darryl was kinda walking on eggshells around him, he appreciated him being there at all. And for a while, it felt really nice not having to pretend to be 100%. Darryl just wanted him to be there, alive.</p><p>It had been a bit stressful though. Zak was used to keeping his struggles hidden. Being able to sulk as soon as he finished recording or stopped streaming. But now living with Darryl he had to sneak around. Because as much as Zak too wanted to pretend everything was better, he still honestly didn't feel like he was doing so great and while he tried to be as open as possible with Darryl, something he was too embarrassed and scared to share.</p><p>He'd hurt himself a few more times, mainly out of impulse, and a few times after a meal he couldn't handle the anxiety building up and the loudness in his mind, he ended up excusing himself to the bathroom, turning on the AC, or the shower, covering up any noise while he made himself sick. He knew it was fucked, he wasn't proud of it and he knew his friend wouldn't be pleased. But Zak was used to controlling what he ate, generally choosing to skip a meal, and with that choice being taken away from him, this was the only thing he could turn to, to at least momentarily shut his mind up.</p><p>Darryl had a scale tucked away in the bathroom, maybe a roommate left it or he simply forgot of its existence. But something urged Zak to pull it out. He wasn't sure what came over him, but he felt angry that the hospital had, in his mind, <em>fattened him up</em>.</p><p>Now he was laying in his bed at almost 3 am surrounded by darkness. He felt weak and helpless. Any ounce of choice and control he had over his life a month ago was now stripped from him. He wanted to get better, he knew that was the right thing to do, but some sick part of him disagreed. He was conflicted. And now all these thoughts were running through his head.</p><p>In an attempt to stop his mind from yelling at him, he tried focusing on his heartbeat. Realizing that it was speeding up and he could practically hear it and feel it in the ears and stomach. It was unnerving. Part of him realized he was having a panic attack, but at the same time, he was wondering if he was dying. Maybe this is what a heart attack felt like. This truly felt like the end.</p><p>He kicked the covers off himself and tiptoed to the bathroom quietly closing the door and turning on the lights. Zak looked into his eyes in the mirror, not really sure why. Kind of trying to shake whatever feeling this was away. He tried taking a couple of deep breaths, still looking in the mirror, telling himself to just calm the fuck down.</p><p>It didn't really do much. So he went back to his bed hoping he could sleep it away. Zak made himself as small as physically possible and pressed his face into the pillow squeezing his eyes shut wanting to push everything away. A few tears dropped out of desperation of wanting to just feel normal right now. His breathing started to pick up too. Darryl had told him to come to him for anything but was afraid of waking him up because he was too fucked up to even go to bed without panicking.</p><p><em>Fuck it</em>. He threw the covers off once more. Wiping his eyes and pulling the hood on his head, tightening the drawstrings, he sucked a deep breath in and made his way to Darryl's room. He quietly walked in and was a bit surprised to see it was exactly like in the streams. he saw the green wall, a messy bed, and a neat desk setup with his pc.</p><p>At any other time, he would've laughed, having known Darryl for so long, this was the only room he knew of until now. It was crazy being here. The sudden distraction of awe wasn't enough to shush his mind, and he didn't want the other to wake up to him just standing there so he awkwardly made his over and sat down on the bed. He tapped Darryl a few times trying to be as gentle as possible, feeling bad for waking him up.</p><p>"Hey, Skep," Darryl kind of opened his eyes trying to focus on his friend in the dark, "what's up? What time is it?"</p><p>"Sorry I tried not to bother you but I just can't," Zak said unable to finish as he tried to get some oxygen in, genuinely feeling like he was dying.</p><p>Darryl sat himself up to be at eye level with Zak. Now fully awake he could see how shaken up Zak was. His eyebrows were furrowed, lower lip shaking a bit and his eyes were huge and darting around the room.</p><p>"Zak?" Darryl asked, putting his hands on his shoulders to try to bring him back. They made eye contact for a moment. Darryl's green eyes with Zak's glossy brown ones. Zak broke eye contact and looked down at his hands, feeling too ashamed for having to come crawling to his friend's room for help. "Stay here I'll be right back."</p><p>He rushed into the kitchen to get some cold water for his friend. Zak just sat there, still feeling awful, picking at one of the healing wounds on his wrist for any feeling to distract himself from this. As the other came back he quickly pulled the sleeves of his hoodie over his hands.</p><p>"Here drink some water." Darryl offered him the glass before going back to his spot on the bed. When the water was gone he asked if Zak was feeling any better, to which he just shrugged. Darryl took one of Zak's hands in his and flipped it so his palm was facing up.</p><p>"I'm gonna trace a square on your palm okay? Breath in on the horizontal lines and out on the vertical ones okay?" Darryl started drawing the square in his palm and listened for his friend's breathing. Eventually, Zak's breaths evened out a bit, and he seemed more relaxed.</p><p>Darryl brought his friend into a hug and gently pulled him down onto the bed with him. He pulled the cozy blanket over both of them and looked into Zak's tired eyes. They both smiled somewhat flustered at the closeness but letting themselves relax into the comfort of each other's presence.</p><p>"If you feel better staying the night here go for it." Darryl offered.</p><p>"No homo though?" Zak retorted jokingly.</p><p>"Hey if you rather spend the night alone, that's fine-"</p><p>"No! No. It's fine I'll stay." Zak interrupted.</p><p>Darryl just laughed at the other's silliness and turned the lights off. He brushed away the stray pieces of hair that had fallen on Zak's face and reached to give him a quick kiss on the forehead. He saw the hint of a smile dancing on the other's lips as they both finally drifted off into a peaceful sleep.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>fourteeeeen lol :) haha funny number yes yes ty i know im practically a comedian arent i</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. fifteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak woke up first, still bundled up under the blanket and in his friend's arms. He crawled out, trying not to wake the other, and walked into his own room. Getting a clean hoodie and jeans he sat at his desk and picked up his charging phone to check twitter. He sent out a "hi &lt;3" and smiled as the comments flooded in. The occasional troll was there trying to rain on everyone's parade, but the overwhelming majority was pure kindness and support.</p><p>"Hey, you okay?" Darryl spoke from behind the door.</p><p>"Yeah. I just woke up before you so I didn't want to bother you." Zak said opening his door to his friend.</p><p>"I was thinking we could go out to get breakfast maybe?" Darryl suggested, kinda prodding at the idea not sure how the other would react.</p><p>"Sure." Maybe it was the slight euphoria he felt from finally waking up feeling not completely depressed, but Zak really wanted to at least try. That and he'd feel bad if they finally met up only to stay at home and do nothing. Darryl turned around to get his keys and to hide the growing smile on his face.</p><p>As he started the car, Darryl handed Zak his phone to let the other find a nice place nearby to get some food. They finally arrived at a cute looking cafe. It had a beige brick facade covered by vines and was squashed between two larger buildings. They got out of the car once they found parking and walked in. Darryl noticed Zak tense up a bit and reassuringly put his hand on the other back leading the two to a table by a window, where they sat down and scanned the menu in silence.</p><p>"Hey, I'll be your waiter today. May I take your order?"</p><p>Darryl looked up and smiled at the young girl who had come to their table. He looked back down at his menu to double-check before giving her his order.</p><p>"I'll have a mimosa and a stack of chocolate chip pancakes please, please. How about you, Zak," Darryl said, pausing to look over at his friend who had his brows furrowed and seemed lost in the menu, "Zak?"</p><p>"Oh shoot sorry, I blanked," Zak mumbled, looking up at the waiter and at Darryl. "Uh, I'm still not sure, sorry." He finished looking down a bit embarrassed.</p><p>"It's all good, I'll be back in five minutes." She said, never dropping the smile, putting the note pad in her apron pocket, and walking away.</p><p>"Everything okay Zak?"</p><p>"Yeah, I just," Zak stopped for a moment to wonder why he was even starting to get stuck in his mind. "I guess just seeing all the options feels overwhelming, my mind just took it and ran." He laughed a bit at the end, feeling dumb and shy.</p><p>"You wanna get the same things? Well, obviously not a mimosa because you're not 21 yet but, I don't know, maybe some OJ and the pancakes." Darryl suggested.</p><p>Zak stays there looking pensive for a second before answering, "If it's ok I'll just get some water and regular pancakes?"</p><p>"Of course dude, whatever you want." Darryl smiled while calling the waitress over to give her the other order.</p><p>They made small talk until their food came. Darryl took sips of his mimosa and dug into his first pancake. While taking a drink he studied Zak, who had his fork hovering over the untouched stack of pancakes, his bottom lip shaking almost unnoticeable. He looked pretty lost in thought. Darryl reached over and held Zak's free hand which was in a fist on the table. He brought his thumb back and forth the other's knuckles as he felt the fist relax a bit.</p><p>"Zak, what's going on." He tried to say as gently as possible.</p><p>"I really want to try to eat, there are so many people around us though and I just feel like they're all watching me eat it's embarrassing. I'll just feel like a pig." Zak rambled, mumbling the last bit, although Darryl still caught on.</p><p>Darryl winced a bit at his friend's words, feeling the frustration radiate off of the other. He gave the tan hand a quick squeeze before letting go to think.</p><p>"Well, if this is too much why don't we take it to go and go somewhere else. Not home, you've been cooped up far too long but, not here either."</p><p>"Like where?" Zak said, eager to be anywhere other than the busy cafe.</p><p>Darryl just smiled, thinking of nice places nearby where they could just be alone and chill. He stood up and walked over to the receptionist to pay for their meal and get there to go boxes. Zak stood up as his meal got boxed up and the two made their way back to the car.</p><p>Zak zoned out looking at the passing scenery while Darryl drives them to a location currently unbeknownst to him. He felt the car being placed in park and saw they were at a more forest-y part of the town. Darryl smiled at him as he grabbed their food and made his way out, gesturing for Zak to do the same.</p><p>"There's a little creek down there, we can sit on the rocks and eat our breakfast."</p><p>Zak smiled, immediately feeling relief after the anxiety-provoking cafe. They walked over to the edge of the softly running water, and Darryl leaned down to cup so freshwater to splash at Zak.</p><p>Zak giggled and Darryl just smiled at his friend, happy to see him be in at least slightly better spirits. As they sat down he reached for the boxes and utensils. He was about to hand it over to his friend but he was quickly stopped. Darryl raised his brows, giving Zak a quizzical look thinking, <em>what now?</em> His friend kicked his shoes off onto a nearby log and sank his feet into the somewhat shallow stream.</p><p>"Oh my goodness Skep you're such a child," Darryl said, although he couldn't help but smile. They sat there smiling like idiots before Darryl remembered something.</p><p>"Oh, Zak, before I forget." He said looking for something in his jeans pocket before triumphantly pulling out a tiny pill. "Your meds," Darryl said as softly as possible, knowing how much Zak hated the topic. Zak just rolled his eyes and took the pill from his hands and swallowed it dry. He opened his mouth to prove to Darryl that he actually took it before reaching over for one of the to-go boxes the other was holding. They each took their food and forks and finally started to eat their food, in peace this time.</p><p>Although Zak seemed hesitant, Darryl could tell he was trying his best, and in no time got through half of the first pancake. He saw Zak look over at his own box, which was now nearly empty, and with a disheartened looked, gazed back down at his own.</p><p>"Sorry, I know I take forever." Zak chuckled softly.</p><p>"Hey, no need to compare, take your time man," Darryl reassured him with a smile. Zak just nodded and continued eating. He stopped halfway into the second one and said he was full. Darryl just smiled at Zak calmly, although deep down he was excited for the huge step forward in recovery his friend was taking.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. sixteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>As soon as they finished their breakfast, Darryl drove the two over to the hospital so Zak could attend his session of IOP. Darryl went back home for a bit and took Rat on a walk around the neighborhood before his phone started screaming at him as the alarm went off alerting him Zak was done. He ran back to his house, dropped his little dog off, and sped back to the hospital.</p><p>Zak plopped into the car looking a tiny bit glum but didn't really give in when Darryl asked if everything was okay. He didn't want to tell his friend how some kid at group therapy had seen his prescription and proceeded to vent over how much weight he gained on it. One of the nurses immediately reprimanded him for it but still, the thought wouldn't leave Zak's mind. But instead of laying all his issues on Darryl yet again, he showed him some of the art they had made that day as a part of the weekly art therapy. Today he'd made a painting of Rat, in all her white fluffy glory. Darryl was so happy and pinned the painting to a wall in the living room as soon as they got home.</p><p>Now they were just chilling on the couch. They were watching a movie but Zak had knocked out on the taller man's shoulder. Darryl knew his friend could use as much peaceful sleep as he could get so he turned off the tv and just went on his phone to pass the time. He saw amongst the sea of unopened messages, a few recent texts from his friend Sapnap.</p><p><strong>Sapnap:</strong> <em>hey im streaming soon </em></p><p>
  <strong>Sapnap:</strong>
  <em> ou down to join?</em>
</p><p>
  <em><strong>Sapnap:</strong> Bad?</em>
</p><p>Darryl smiled at the thought of streaming and interacting with the community again as he did a few weeks ago. Honestly now, he was just preoccupied with Zak. Of course, he would never admit that to his friend, knowing how much the other would hate it, taking it as pity instead of care.</p><p>At times, it was tiring. Having to constantly look after Zak. Making sure he slept and ate and showered and took his meds and actually went to his outpatient program. He hadn't had much time lately to dedicate to his streams and videos. But he knew it was worth it to be there for Zak when he needed someone. And he knew if the tables were turned, the other would do the same.</p><p>He snapped out of his train of thought and looked down to the tuft of dark hair plopped on his shoulder. He let Sapnap know that he'd be down to stream with him and that Skep would maybe join too. Darryl almost felt bad waking him up, hearing the tiny quiet snores, but he'd been asleep a while.</p><p>"Hey sleepy muffin, wake up." Darryl semi whispered while stroking Zak's hair. He got a groan in return as Zak curled up closer to his source of warmth and looked up to meet his eyes.</p><p>"Sapnap wanted to stream, I'm going to stream but we were wondering if maybe you wanted to stream as well?" Darryl prodded.</p><p>Zak sat up and ran a hand through his hair sighing. "I'm not sure Bad," he said quietly, feeling a bit bad having seen his friend's hopeful face. "I don't know if I have the energy for that right now. I do want to but maybe not now. Sorry dude."</p><p>Darryl just shot his friend a comforting smile and grabbed his hand rubbing circles over his knuckles to get his attention again.</p><p>"Nothing apologize for. If you want you can just sit with me and listen and just pop in whenever you feel comfortable too."</p><p>Zak smiled, in a bit of awe that he got lucky enough to have such a considerate friend. "Sure Baldy, sounds good."</p><p>Darryl huffed a bit at the nickname as he got up to get his stream set up. He dragged one of those foldable party chairs to his side and place a few pillows on it. He got his friend and brought him to the room, leading him to the chair. Knowing his friend was always cold he grabbed a fluffy blanket off his own bed and threw it over Zak, who just laughed as he got cozy in the seat.</p><p>The stream started and for a while, Zak just zoned out hearing Bad sound so lighthearted and happy as he joked around with Sapnap. Eventually, he felt his friend's eyes on him and he turned around to see Darryl motioning to the mic. Zak shrugged and sat up a bit.</p><p>"Hey guys!" Zak shouted into the mic.</p><p>"What the fuck!" The two laughed as Sapnap recovered from being scared by the unexpected yelling into his ears.</p><p>"Language," Darryl grumbled in between laughs.</p><p>The three were content talking as Sapnap and Darryl speed ran in a minecraft world. They talked about everything from the good panda they got that morning to that time Zak got a limo to meet Sapnap before they were even really friends. It was a good time until Zak started focusing on the twitch chat. They were asking where he had gone and a certain donation chimed in. Some kid asking why Skeppy was letting his channels die.</p><p>Zak got quiet and slouched over biting his nails as he started to wonder if he really was just letting all he had worked for just slip out of his grasp. He heard his friend scold the person who donated and chat in general.</p><p>Darryl muted his mic, sensing his friend's sudden uneasiness, and turned to face him.</p><p>"Hey, ignore that muffin head. you're not letting your channels die your working on yourself which is, in the end, going to just help you keep making content you and your viewers enjoy okay?"</p><p>Zak nodded and leaned in to hug his friend. Immediately he felt two arms wrap around him snuggly. They stayed like that for a while until Sapnap impatient and unknowingly kept poking Bad in the team speak, wondering where he had gone.</p><p>The two kept talking but Zak stood up and took the blanket over to Darryl's bed, which was conveniently placed right next to his computer. He curled up into the bed to the point that only his head poked out from under the mess of blankets and comforters.</p><p>For the rest of the stream, Darryl would keep turning over to his friend. Every time seeing him fall deeper and deeper into sleep. Two hours passed and after multiple deaths in-game and a bit of shameless /gamemode creative, he and sapnap managed to kill the dragon and beat the game. They said their goodbyes and goodnight as the two shut off their streams.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. seventeen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl wheeled his spinny chair over to Zak and brushed through his hair gently, staring in awe of how peaceful he looked, taking a nap yet again. That was one of the side effects of Zoloft the doctor had more or less explained to Darryl.</p><p>Amongst many other possibly undesirable side effects it would make him a bit tired occasionally. They had reassured Zak that this wasn't forever, and it was just to help him heal. Seeing as all the strings attached to medication were why he had quit his prescription the first time, it took quite a bit of convincing from both his doctors and Darryl for him to agree to give antidepressants another chance.</p><p>Darryl decided to go make some food for the two to eat for dinner so that he could wake Zak up to a warm meal. Today he decided on making some veggies and rice. Learning of his friend's shaky relationship with food he put in as much effort as he could to make them something that tasted good.</p><p>He plated their meals in bowls, patting the rice down and putting a layer of the peppers, squash, and mushrooms he had sautéed over it. He placed the bowls at the coffee table between the couch and the TV, along with utensils, cups of water, sriracha sauce, and these ugly napkins he'd bought at a gag store with memes all over them.</p><p>He got Netflix to load and select an episode of some random show he had heard Zak once mention wanting to watch. He paused it to go and wake up his friend.</p><p>Zak stood up looking like a zombie after a few minutes of Darryl trying to coax him out of the warmth of the bed. He offered a deal that if he went to eat, Zak could take all the blankets with him. Zak shrugged giving in, shuffling over to the living room, letting himself sink into the couch. As soon as bad sat down too, he let himself fall into his friend's shoulder, as they had been hours before.</p><p>"Hey don't sleep on me you dunderhead." Darryl smiled, pushing one of the still warm bowls into Zak's cold hands. "Eat first then you can go back to sleep if you want."</p><p>"Fine," Zak said, cradling the bowl. Darryl dug into his food, and so did Zak, or so he thought. The episode of the show ended and the next one started queueing up when Darryl noticed most of the food in his friend's bowl still remained untouched, and his tan hand holding the utensil was visibly shaking. <em>Oh no</em>, Bad thought he was doing better, they had had such a positive breakfast that morning. He knew the Doctor told him recovery was slow but, his heart ached for how much he longed his friend would be okay.</p><p>"What going on Zak?" He cooed while wrapping his arm around his friend who now looked clearly distraught.</p><p>"I can't," Zak whispered, Darryl almost didn't pick up on his words.</p><p>"Can't what?" He tried to ask as softly and genuinely as possible.</p><p>Darryl flinched at Zak's sudden movement while he shoved the fork into the rice making an angry clang as the metal and ceramic collided. Darryl understood, letting out a quiet, oh.</p><p>He rubbed Zak's shoulder and waited while the other set his plate down and took some deep breaths.</p><p>"Sorry."</p><p>"For what Skep?" Darryl said frowning a bit, sad at how things had changed from the morning to now.</p><p>"You put so much effort into making food and I can't even eat it," Zak says in almost a whisper.</p><p>"It's no problem, but why don't we talk about it, it's not good to bottle this up." He studied his friend's face for a reaction, "But you do have to eat, you slept through lunch and I can't let you skip dinner too, Zak I'm sorry you know that." He finished.</p><p>"Honestly man I don't know where this shit came from, like when I started caring so much... about all this shit... how I look, what I eat, all that. I wish I could blame it on something other than just my own brain sabotaging me."</p><p>Darryl hummed in acknowledgment but didn't want to say anything to break Zak's train of thought and stop him from opening up a little more.</p><p>"But the hospital just force-fed and tubed me and now that you know fucked up I am you're making me eat. Which I appreciate you and love you so much for caring but it just hurts so much losing control over that." Zak said the last bit kind of quietly looking up to Darryl's face to make sure he hadn't offended him, Darryl understood though, and just gave him an encouraging smile to keep going.</p><p>"Some kid today said Zoloft would make me fat," Zak said through a sob.</p><p>"Shh, let it out," Darryl said bringing his friend into his chest with one arm and cradling his head with the other, tracing soft circles into the soft dark hair with his thumb. He felt some of Zak's tears seep through his shirt, breaking his heart seeing how much was weighing on his friend's mind.</p><p>"Is that why you were upset when I picked you up from the hospital today?" Darryl asked, feeling Zak nod soon after. He cursed whoever had decided that saying that was okay. "Is that why you're not eating?"</p><p>"It's so much easier in my head, actually saying it sounds so stupid-"</p><p>"It's not stupid, Zak. Just try to explain, maybe talking it out will help make some sense of it. I promise I won't judge you for anything ever. I just want to understand," Darryl interrupted Zak from downplaying his feelings as he always seemed to do.</p><p>"It's just scary, I don't want to get fat, and if Zoloft does that then I don't know. Believe me, Darryl, I know that's fucked. But it's just me. I see other people's bodies, of all types, and I can appreciate them, truly. But I hate what I see in the mirror, the way I feel, and its not like the thoughts ever really go away. They're always there, no matter how distracted i am. Always in the back of my mind ready to kick my ass. I'm always hyper aware of how I look or think I look and how I feel, at all fucking times. So when I heard that, what the kid said, I guess I decided it's either not taking the pills or not eating as much. I don't know I'm just scared. I don't know if I can handle hating myself more than I do now-" Zak quickly slapped a hand over his mouth realizing he had said much more than he had originally intended to.</p><p>"It's valid to be scared, Zak. But starving yourself is not a solution." Darryl urged as he felt another wave of tears hit Zak. He paused to once again calmingly pat the other back.</p><p>"Allowing yourself to eat is important. You're taking care of yourself. You won't be so cold all the time and you'll have more energy to do what you love. And what that person said to you is wrong. Not only is someone's experience on medication completely different from your own, but even if the medication did help with you gaining some weight, that is not a bad thing. But regardless you need to eat, and I understand it's scary but I'm here with you alright man?" Darryl finished, quickly wiping away a few of his own tears that had slipped out.</p><p>"Okay," Zak said, still obviously feel hurt and unsure.</p><p>"Okay. Let's eat then, I'll go heat this up." Darryl said, taking both of their plates to the kitchen where he put Zak's in the microwave for a minute and scooped some more veggies into his own. He thought it might be better to eat something while Zak worked on his meal, hopefully he'd feel less alone.</p><p>He walked back to the couch and sat close again, handing back the plate to his friend. Zak's eyebrows furrowed as he bit his lip, anxiously staring back down at the bowl.</p><p>"You got this." Darryl said invitingly wrapping his arm around the other again, letting him lean back onto his chest, "We can go bite by bite together."</p><p>And so they did. Zak kept his eyes on his food in embarrassment, although he knew his friend would genuinely never judge. Darryl on the other hand just studied Zak's face as they ate together. Tears still streaming down his cheeks, choking on a few sobs as he worked on the rice and veggies. Although it pained him to see Zak like this, seeing how obviously it hurt him so much to do this, he was proud that he was trying his best.</p><p>At some point, everything became too much and he was lingering over the fine line of crossing into panic attack territory. Zak set his nearly empty bowl down and curled up covering his face as sobs racked his body. Darryl just held his friend tightly, whispering how proud he was and just kind words in general.</p><p>Eventually, Zak calmed down and Darryl felt him relax as he fell asleep. His eyelashes were shiny with salty water and his cheeks were rosy. His lips were slightly parted as he was breathing from his mouth, his nose too stuffy from having cried so hard. Darryl noting how beautiful he looked, hoping soon the day would come where Zak looked as content and peaceful when he was awake, as he did when he was sleeping.</p><p>He carried Zak over to his blue room with ease. Gently setting him down onto the bed, giving him a light kiss on the forehead. As he stood up, he was immediately pulled back. At some point, Zak had clutched some of Darryl's sweater. Not having the heart to wake him up, Darryl slowly laid down too and pulled up the covers of blankets on them both, making sure Zak got the bulk of them, knowing how much he loved being cocooned in layers of blankets. He stayed up a bit, making sure Zak was okay, but eventually, he too fell into calm blissful sleep.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. eighteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak woke up early. He blinked a few times before realizing there was someone next to him. There was Darryl, curled up. Zak smiled down at his sleeping friend knowing he'd been given all the blankets last night. He got up as slowly as possible and place the mound of comforters and blankets over the other before tiptoeing out of his room.</p><p>The sun was barely rising. his anxiety never slept through, sinking in rapidly. He wanted to internalize everything Darryl said to him yesterday, deep down, he knew he was right. But Zak couldn't help but think he needed to do something to even out the fact that suddenly he was being forced to actually eat, regardless of what Darryl and his doctors and his friends and his therapists told him over and over. He hated himself for letting his mind become what it was now.</p><p>He heard the sound of rat's collar as she ran up to him to say hello. Zak slipped his shoes on and threw a hoodie on knowing it must be cold out so early.</p><p>One step out the door and he could already see his breath circle and disappear in warm clouds against the crisp air. The little blades of grass shimmering with frost. He looked into the pretty pinks and purples of the clear sky as he shivered and for a moment get at peace while he took a deep breath in.</p><p>He picked up the pace and started running, soon rounding around a curve and onto a long street with sparse houses and many trees. It was pretty peaceful. He finally felt in control of something. He really appreciated that Darryl was trying to make sure he ate right to recover but he felt like he couldn't explain to him how much it hurt him when his head wouldn't shut up and his chest tightened at the thought of it. Maybe this way it would be a compromise with his mind. Maybe if he ran every morning he could be less harsh with himself and Darryl wouldn't even know so he couldn't feel bad.</p><p>Zak let himself zone out and before he knew it the sky had gone from quiet purples to vibrant yellows, telling him it was time to turn around before his friend woke up. If he remembered how to even get back to the house. He ran through somewhat familiar streets, until eventually, somehow, he reached the front door and carefully tiptoed back in. He bent down to give Rat some scratched behind her ears so she'd hopefully be quiet and now wake up the other.</p><p>As quickly and quietly as possible, Zak ran into the shower across from his room to freshen up. He smiled as he let the cool water wash all the sweat away, along with some of the old scabs on his wrist that he just scrubbed off which kinda hurt but didn't really bother him. If anything just looking at the now tanner lines left on his skin made it itch, but he just tried to ignore it for now at least.</p><p>He stepped out of the shower and cursed himself for forgetting to bring in new clothes with him. He wrapped the towel around himself and opened the door to find a pair of sleeping green eyes looking at him from his bed.</p><p>"Zak?" Darryl groggily said, squinting as if to check if that really was him.</p><p>"Hey man, I-"Zak laughed awkwardly scratched the back of his neck, "I forgot to bring some clothes with me."</p><p>Darryl, still half asleep just nodded but continued to stare at him, zoning out, almost looking like he was about to doze off again as it was still rather early. Eventually, he shook his head, seemingly snapping out of it, "Shoot, sorry." He said flustered before turning around to face the wall and window so Zak could get his stuff.</p><p>Zak just shook his head and laughed. He dropped his towel and quickly got into some comfy black sweats and a really large hoodie, the extra fabric pooling everywhere.</p><p>"You can turn around now." Zak hummed. Darryl flipped over and smiled at his friend.</p><p>"You okay? Usually, I'm the one waking you up." Darryl said rubbing the crust of sleep out of his eyes.</p><p>"Yeah, I just woke up early today I guess." The younger responded while toweling his dark wet hair. Darryl just hummed and nodded, too tired for an actual response.</p><p>"If you wanna go back to sleep I can make us some breakfast," Zak suggested, to which the other just looked up at him and smiled, before curbing back up into the bed and closing his eyes. Zak laughed at his friend's sleepiness and walked into the kitchen.</p><p>It was weird seeing a kitchen so full. His old place looked so barren compared to this. He looked around the place and scrolled through a bunch of different recipes on his phone before landing on a simple-looking omelet. It looked good, but not complicated enough to where he might burn his friend's house down. That would be very unpleasant.</p><p>He cracked some eggs while the oil heated in a pan. With the leftover veggies from their dinner yesterday he scrambled the eggs in the pan and when it looked like a pancake, he threw the greens in the middle and folded it over. He let it sit for a pic while he picked two plates and soon slipped the contents of the pan onto a plate.</p><p>Zak froze for a second, suddenly regaining the control he so desperately desired. The house fell quiet as he stopped to listen for signs of his friend being awake. He scrapped the egg that was stuck to the edges of the pan and some fallen vegetables and dropped them on the other plate. He moved them around thoughtfully creating his work of art. When it was believable to his satisfaction he set it at the bottom of the sink and sighed.</p><p>He didn't like lying to Darryl. But surely it would hurt more if his friend knew what he was doing. At least this way, he was rejecting his help subtly. Darryl thought everything was peachy and Zak could keep his mind quiet enough. It was a win-win in his book.</p><p>A few minutes massed and he decided it was time to wake the other up. Darryl groaned as Zak shook his shoulder.</p><p>"What do you want, Zak?" He said in a scratchy barely-alive voice.</p><p>"Ah, grumpy now are we." The younger teased.</p><p>"No never, what makes you think that?" Darryl's worded laced in playful sarcasm as he slowly woke up more.</p><p>"Come on." Zak pouted, gently pulling his friend's arm, coaxing him out of bed, "I made omelets and your kitchen is still intact!"</p><p>"Riveting."</p><p>Zak playfully punched him, and he finally agreed to get up, no longer being able to hide his smile.</p><p>"Thank you, Skep!" Darryl said as he was met with the plate of surprisingly good looking food, awaiting him at the table.</p><p>The two sat down and Zak waited for the other to begin, but he didn't.</p><p>"And your food?"</p><p>"Uh, I already ate, I just didn't want to wake you up," Zak said as confidently as he could.</p><p>Darryl eyed him cautiously.</p><p>"No really, my plates in the sink you can check," He looked away from his friend's prying eyes.</p><p>Darryl sighed and replaced the concern with a smile. "Alright, I believe you. I'm proud of you Zak."</p><p>Zak swallowed the lump of guilt in his throat and nodded toward the plate, signaling his friend to eat.</p><p>"This was really good," Darryl said scooping the last bit of egg onto his fork and into his mouth.</p><p>Zak smiled but internally felt jealous as he studied his friend's features. Calm and content. Never once did Darryl's brows furrow or eyes cloud over in concern during the meal. <em>Of course not Zak, he's functional, unlike your dumbass self, </em>he mentally slapped himself. It was an odd feeling  of jealousy washing over him as he observed how easy such a simple task like eating a meal was for his friend. Unlike his own mind which became a gruesome battleground every time food was even brought up, a battleground at which he never won.</p><p>"You cooked so I'll wash dishes." Darryl smiled at his friend who nodded while standing up to put his plate in the sink as well. He saw the other plate in there and for a second felt bad for doubting him. Once the dishes were spotless they walked over and sat on the couch.</p><p>They settled on watching a movie to pass some time. The days were slowly getting brighter as warmer weather approached but it was still pretty chilly. Darryl noticed Zak shiver so he rushed to rip the coziest blanket from his bed and wrap it around Zak like a burrito. Who just smiled and happily snuggled up. They chose a movie and watched it together as the light outside got brighter, staying all bundled up together on the couch.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. nineteen</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak's 21st birthday near the end of January was spent with tears. Panic over the cake Darryl had made him. Then guilt not being able to give his friend at least that satisfaction because of his stupid fucking thoughts. On a day he could've, no, should've celebrated with his friend, finally being legal, he <em>had</em> to get stuck in that messy mind of his. He couldn't even drink like any normal 21-year-old in the states would want to do. Alcohol and antidepressants were not a good combination. Something he had learned the first time he took Zoloft back when he lived in LA. That birthday was certainly not one for the books, to say the least.</p><p>Now summer was approaching. The days were significantly warmer and livelier but Zak just seemed to feel quite the opposite. Cold and exhausted. Keeping his secret from his friend was wearing him down to the bone. Figuratively and literally.</p><p>His consistently cold body temperature was a good excuse to hideaway. He thought that as he shed pounds off the scale he would feel happy finally. Or at least somewhat confident, but no.</p><p>Smiling for Darryl. Waking up before the sun was out to work out till he felt like his heart would simply stop. Making himself sick as the sounds of the shower beating on his back and on the tiles covered for him. It all became a pleasant routine. Perfect to keep his mind relatively quiet, while also keeping Darryl content.</p><p>It hurt. Lying to his closest friend. A few months ago letting him in completely. Letting him see him at his lowest most vulnerable point. And now, it was like none of that ever happened.</p><p>Darryl was trying his best, but no one can blame him for falling for the younger's tricks, being blind to him clearly spiraling. It was harder to see in person. Seeing Zak every day made it hard to notice honestly.</p><p>The first time he had seen Zak in person, it was obviously a shock. Seeing the awful state he was in, in contrast to the vibrant facade of a persona he projected online. But now, it was harder to tell the gradual decline.</p><p>While Zak had stopped going to IOP, he continued with his own therapist, who he would see once a week. Now, Zak was an adult and Darryl was not going to hold his hand and walk him into therapy, he simply trusted the other to willingly go. Therapy was one of the things Zak assured himself he would pay, for his own pride and not loathe himself for feeling like a burden having his best friend pay for his treatment. And of course, seeing as these sessions were coming out of Zak's wallet, it didn't hurt him to eventually just stop going altogether. He gained the habit of walking into the building after being dropped off by Darryl. But he never quite made it into his therapist's office, he'd wait for his friend to drive off and he'd happily slip out and run a few laps at a park nearby, always ensuring to be back on time for his ride back home.</p><p>Home. The two had been living together for many months now. Countless arguments later, Darryl assured Zak that rent was the last thing he should worry about. In return, the younger paid for groceries, their Netflix subscription, even their family Spotify account.</p><p>However, Zak made sure to slowly distance himself. As much as it hurt him to push himself away from his best friend, he knew it was for the best. Or at least that's what his mind seemed to make him accept.</p><p>Deep down he knew this was just another downward spiral. But this time half of his brain was yelling at him to stop. He had friends looking out for him, fans waiting patiently, Darryl and rat. He knew he didn't have to do this. He had all the support he needed to actually help himself. But the other part of him overbearingly made him feel like a worthless burden.</p><p>He knew what he was doing was fucked up. He knew someday he would hate the scars on his skin. He knew the dangers of making himself throw up. He didn't want to die of a heart attack, puking his guts out like the doctors seemed to say he could. He didn't want to lie to his loved ones for the rest of his life.</p><p>And yet, he seemed to find some comfort in his depression as well. He felt ill, mentally and physically. But something about coaxing himself into bed and just forgetting his existence for a moment. The numbness he felt, while at times terrifying, was also like a safety blanket to him. Zak couldn't voice any of this to his friend, or therapist, well, ex-therapist, or doctors, without feeling like he sounded like a complete nutcase, or without his brain yelling at him that he was fine and he was just faking it.</p><p>Being completely honest with himself, being sickly thin was comforting. <em>Am I this far gone</em>, he wondered to himself? Being this was finally keeping the hostile thoughts his mind would throw at him, under control. <em>Probably because you're too malnourished to even have the energy to even do that, </em>the more rational side of him thought</p><p>Was he faking it? He'd ask himself often. Maybe this was just normal. Maybe he just couldn't quite cope with being an adult. Maybe he was too weak. Just being lazy hiding away from everything in the comforts of his bed. Maybe the anxiety he always had was normal, and he would just overreact to everything. He thought about Darryl. How annoyed he must be? He didn't sign up for this. Babysitting a whole ass adult. A whirlwind of thoughts just swept Zak's mind, beating him to a pulp, until he was just emotionally drained.</p><p>So it was decided, if he kept his distance, it would hurt Darryl less when shit hit the fan. A part of Zak felt hurt that he knew, deep down, how much he was hurting, and Darryl could see nothing. But he made up his mind and stuck to it. Obviously they were friendly, how could they not be, they were best friends. He simply made sure that he was distanced brought that Darryl wouldn't have to witness the uphill battle he was so clearly losing at this point.</p><p>Zak was ill, but he wasn't completely blind, he saw himself gradually lose the weight he'd put on at the hospital, covering it with layers of clothing to hide his gaunt body. His face puffed a bit, from his habits of getting up close and personal with the toilet bowl or shower drain after a meal. Darryl was clueless. It was his fault though, how could he know if Zak so desperately hid everything from him.</p><p>Now here they were, on a hot afternoon, walking rat through a spacious public park, Zak getting hit by the ball they had been taking turns tossing to the white dog.</p><p>"You good man?" Darryl said in between giggles as he watched his friend rub over the spot he had been hit. "Sorry, I called your name, I thought you knew it was coming."</p><p>"All good, just spaced out I guess. Thinking about the past few months, yknow?" Zak said with a shrug, not a total lie.</p><p>Darryl gave him a sympathetic smile while making his way across the grass to his friend and dog.</p><p>"You sure man?" Darryl gently followed asking unsure, "You look a bit pale, let's sit for a minute alright?" Zak just nodded, turning away from his friend for a moment to squeeze his eyes shut to will the sudden dizziness that began to attack him.</p><p>With an arm under Zak's, Darryl led them to a bench with decent shade. Some food trucks pulled up to the parking lot nearby, so Darryl assured the other would stay out while he got the two something to eat. Zak felt the uncomfortable anxiety bubble up in his chest, one slip up and Darryl would know everything. He shook the thought away for now and focused on scratching behind Rats ears, as she curled up on his lap, tired from chasing the ball around.</p><p><em>Oh to be a dog</em>, Zak thought. No one has any expectations of a dog. They just sit there and enjoy life. they sleep whenever, wherever. They get fed and indulge in treats their owners throw at them. They chase dogs and squirrels and crows and cats. But that's it, isn't it? Zak had never talked to a dog, well not expecting it to answer really if the dog ever answered he'd know he truly had lost it. But although they couldn't know what the dog thought, it seemed like a simple life.</p><p>Zak shifted his gaze from Rats flowy fur to Darryl, standing in line at what appeared to be some taco truck. Lovely truly. In a few minutes, he'd had to mentally kick his anxious ass and believably eat to Darryl's satisfaction. Yet here he was, contemplating life through his jealousy of the simplicity of the life of the crusty white dog in front of him. Fucking lovely.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>im officially caught up with this cross-posting of this from wattpad :) next chap might take some time, im a college student so forgive me ;-; no promises on a decent upload schedule. stay safe hope youve enjoyed so far, i appreciate any comments criticism, feedback, whatever hit me with it :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. twenty</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>That afternoon had been truly a pain in the ass for Zak. Mentally and physically. He couldn't help but feel guilt at the genuine happiness on Darryl's face as he expressed how proud he was of him.</p><p>They each got two tacos from the truck at the park. Al pastor with a nice fresh horchata to go with it. Delicious of course. Zak was anorexic, but not at loss for taste. The tacos had taunted him. Sitting there maliciously looking up at him from their red and white checkered paper plate. But he had to keep Darryl under the mirage of his lies. So he forced himself to shove the nasty thoughts to the back of his mind, just for a moment, promising he would make up for it later.</p><p>Darryl was beaming when Zak had finished his food without spending an eternity along with the usual constant need for affirmation and motivation. And for a moment Zak let himself bask in the praise, before his mind screamed at him, saying how much of a coward he was being. Both for eating the greasy yet delicious food and for inevitably hurting his best friend with his facade of recovery.</p><p>When they had arrived home, Darryl left to stream, and as the two parted ways, Zak settled himself in front of his full-length mirror reclined on in a corner of his room. Lucky, or unlucky for him, his face was the last place to lose body fat, not that he had much to lose anyway. But at the moment he was grateful. He almost looked normal. A thought that both disgusted him and alleviated him, knowing he could keep self-destructing under his friend's radar.</p><p>With his closet of baggy mom jeans and equally loose sweaters, it would all be fine. At least it would be for whoever longer he'd be able to keep the act up. For a split second, he let the kinder more rational side of his brain take over. He became aware of all the mental pain he was feeling. Keeping up this lie, wearing down his body and spirit was utterly draining. If he hated the zombie-like feeling of medication, the numbness of wallowing in his sadness felt worse by tenfold. Soon enough though, the abusive side of his brain regained its controls forcing him to shake the thought away.</p><p><em>This is comfort Zak, don't forget. When everyone leaves you at least you'll still have this. Or do you really want to lose control of everything? </em>A tear made its way down his jaw to his chin where it unceremoniously dropped to the floor. <em>Pathetic</em>.</p><p>More and more salty tears streamed down his expressionless face as he looked into his dull eyes through the blurry reflection. The lump of anxiety growing in his throat threatened to claw its way up and strangle him. <em>If this is comfort though, why do I feel so fucking bad? </em></p><p>
  <em>Suck it up, Zak, you're fucking fine stop acting like a baby. </em>
</p><p>"Zak!" His friend's loud voice, coming from probably the living room or kitchen, brought him out of his thoughts.</p><p>"I- Sorry what's up?" He strained his voice through the scratchy dryness in his throat to answer.</p><p>"I've been calling you for like 5 minutes," Darryl yelled through a bit of a laugh at his friend's spaced-out nature, unaware of the context. "Dinners ready though, whenever you want to come out of cloud 9 and join me."</p><p>Zak gave a quick answer, assuring him he'd be there in a moment. Meanwhile, he pondered why the hell they'd have dinner right after eating at the park. It was then that he became slightly more aware of his surroundings. He was still awkwardly standing in the same place, in front of the mirror. However, the soft golden light from earlier was now replaced by the cool darkness in his room. He pulled his phone out of his back pocket and saw it had been almost 3 hours since they'd come home from the park. Zak stood there a moment more, mindlessly scratching at his wrist while trying to remember what he had been doing in the past 3 hours, but he came up blank.</p><p>He sucked in a breath through his nose and released it from his mouth, trying to calm the sudden nerves that attacked him. How could he be ready for this, he thought. He barely had time to recover from having to eat the tacos and now they were eating again. The pressure in his head increased, it began to hurt. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment reducing the pain, and he made his way to the dining table, slapping on his fake confidence once again.</p><p>Dinner went well enough. He faltered a bit, having wasted a lot of emotional energy on eating his entire meal at the park earlier, it was more of a challenge this time around. But he managed to convincingly eat once again. This time though he was home, and his mind would certainly not allow him to keep it down.</p><p>"Thanks for the food," Zak threw a convincing smile at Darryl.</p><p>"No problem Skep," He smiled back. "Hey, how are you doing by the way. Sorry, I've been so busy recently with the smp and streaming and my server. We've barely had time together." Darryl frowned a bit. <br/><br/>"I'm doing great! No worries man really, you do your thing," Zak reassured, reaching over clasping his hand over his friends on the table. who jumped back a bit at the contact. Zak raised a brow in confusion looking up at the other</p><p>"Sorry, your hands are just freezing," Darryl chuckled a bit, flipping his hand over to take Zak's in his. "I just didn't expect it. How's therapy going, you still going to the sessions every week?"</p><p>"Uh, yeah they're great I think it's really helping," Zak swallowed thickly, no longer meeting the others green eyes.</p><p>Darryl just nodded, seeming caught in thought.</p><p>The silence that quickly flooded the room, let Zak's mind have at it, like a mental piñata. Except this was certainly no fun. He had to get rid of it. No chance he could have two full meals in one day and just move on with his life. It had to go. Panic manifested in speedy thoughts he could barely comprehend and a sudden cold sweat. He knew what he had to do to make it stop for now.</p><p>"Right," Zak cut through the sudden tension that hind awkwardly in the air, "Thanks again, I'm gonna go shower and then sleep. See you in the morning? We can hang out again if you want."</p><p>Darryl met his eyes, searching Zak's face for something, anything. There was an odd look on the oldest face, but he quickly wiped it away and smiled nodding at his friend. Zak smiled back, before standing up to leave his plates in the sink, heading to the bathroom to momentarily make peace with the storm of his hurtful thoughts.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>just to clarify, im italicizing the characters inner dialogue :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. twenty one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Zak barely made it to the bathroom, forgetting to lock the door but still turning the loud AC on, before he collapsed by the toilet. He tried to silence his sobs, biting his fist as he desperately tried to get air into his lungs. For once in the past couple of months, he didn't feel numb. Not that that was a good thing. He felt the crushing stress and exhaustion of living like this. It hurt. Mentally, he hated every bit of his being, he talked down on himself and his thoughts dragged him until he was stuck, catatonic in the abyss of his mind. Physically, he was cold, shaky, sometimes he could feel his heart palpitate, sometimes he would just blackout in his room, his body no longer being able to keep him up.</p><p>Most of all he was tired, no, fed up, with living with his head in the toilet at night, and during the day, not being able to enjoy living because his mind was either hating on himself or obsessing over food. What he would eat, when he would it, if he would eat, and whatever came next. It was fucking draining. And yet here he was. He almost laughed at the situation. What started as a need to take full control of this aspect of his life, led him to a point where it was like he could no longer control his thoughts and actions. Did he want to be here? In the bathroom, working himself up to being sick? Not really. Not at all. But at this point, it didn't feel like a choice.</p><p>And so there he was, sat on the ground in front of the toilet bowl. The ceramic thing staring at him, laughing at him. Here he was, completely at the mercy of this ugly inanimate object. But it felt violent. From his perfect, this was the whole world against him. While an outsider would simply see a sick boy sobbing on a bathroom floor.</p><p>Zak averted his eyes to anywhere but his body, as he quickly took his sweater off and tossed it to a corner farther away, not wanting to dirty it. He leaned forward and shakily brought two of his fingers to the back of his throat, squeezing his eyes shut in shame, not wanting to see anything, just needing to get over it. As the contents of his stomach parted ways with him, he felt his throat and nose burn.</p><p>When he was done he quickly rinsed his mouth with a cup he had left on the sink for brushing his teeth as if any obsessive amount of brushing would undo the damage of bile on his teeth. He spat the water and flushed the bowl. He felt the grossness in his raw throat, trying to clear it a couple of times before giving up. As shit as he felt, at least it was over and done with, he could go to bed, wake up, and forget this ever happened, only to repeat it tomorrow once again. But he was quickly brought out of his thoughts by a knock on the door.</p><p>A sigh was heard on the other side before the order spoke tentatively, "I'm coming in alright?"</p><p>Abjectly slumping further into the ground, Zak felt exhaustion creep over him. He lay and arm across the toilet seat, resting his forehead on the back of his forearm. His other hand tangled itself in his hair, pulling it to ground himself, distract himself from everything else he was feeling. He could no longer find a single reason to care to even consider the repercussions of the scene his friend was about to be met with.</p><p>The door creaked open and Darryl's eyes widened, sucking in a breath of shock at the sight and smell of seeing his friend on the ground. He didn't even need to ask. He knew what had happened. Darryl tried to gather his thoughts, unsure of how to proceed. The signs were there, that Zak might have relapsed, but they were faint and he had blissfully seen past them, hooding to believe his friend was working towards recovery. But this, this was confirmation.</p><p>"Zak..." He started, startled by the instability of his own voice as it wavered and cracked, pleading. For what he didn't know. Maybe pleading that this was just a bad dream, and he'd wake up, and his friend would be fine, and they would have to go down this whole road again. But he knew this was real, and Zak's sickly figure in front of him as awful proof.</p><p>The older hesitantly crouched by his friend, placing a gentle hand on the caramel skin over his friend's bare shoulder blade, rubbing soothing circles. Zak made no move to acknowledge his presence, feeling nothing but embarrassment and guilt, and a bit of anger at himself. Darryl stood back up for a moment, reaching for one of the small towels that hung by the sink. He let some water pour from the faucet as it became lukewarm, eventually letting it soak through the towel before wringing it out.</p><p>He got back to Zak's side, slowly pulling him up from the toilet bowl, letting him lean back onto the side of the bathtub. He couldn't help but glance at his friend's torso. Hurt by how frail he looked. His arms, eyes landing on scars he had not seen before. Darryl was not one for swearing. But currently, the only thought running through his mind was, <em>what the fuck</em>.</p><p>Darryl forced himself to concentrate on the task at hand tho and gently wiped at Zak's mouth. He took Zak's hand, cleaning off any bile. Zak felt Darryl tense, his friend's fingers began to feel their way across Zak's rough, marked up knuckles, from nights spent making himself sick.</p><p>Zak just looked away, zoning out while Darryl finished up.</p><p>"Raise your arms please," Darryl said trying to keep his voice as neutral and gentle as possible. Zak looked at him in confusion, clearly having retreated into his head for the past couple of minutes. Darryl waved Zak's sweater, "Let's get your sweater on, alright? You're freezing."</p><p>Zak complied, bringing his arms up as he felt the other slowly bring his arms through the sleeves, pulling the comforting sweater over his torso. Normally Zak would've hated himself for being treated like a child, but he was too tired and cold to care. He felt Darryl bring an arm under his knees and another around his back, holding his side, and he was lifted. He felts the soft fabric of his comforter and blankets around him as he was carefully placed on his bed. Darryl stood in front of him, with an unreadable expression.</p><p>"You know, I knew you weren't going to your sessions. For a while. It should've been a red flag but you're an adult so it's up to you really. I don't know why I brought it up tonight, but why lie to my face?" a tear rolling down Darryl's pale cheek, his strong facade finally cracking as his face scrunched up, trying to regain composure. He took a few deep breaths to be able to continue.</p><p>"One time I parked after dropping you off at therapy. Someone called my phone so I figured I'd wait there that day. But then I saw you coming back out minutes later and leaving. Never even showing up to therapy."</p><p>There was nothing Zak could do to fix this. This wasn't something he could lie his way out of. There was no reassuring his friend this time. The truth was out, and all he could do is stare. Darryl sighed, realizing he wasn't going to get a word out of Zak just yet.</p><p>"I figured you'd just tell me at some point, but apparently that wasn't part of the plan was it?" Zak couldn't meet his gaze anymore. Darryl carded a shaking hand through his short light brown hair before going on. "Look Zak, I just want to help you, but I can't if you don't let anyone in."</p><p>"You don't have to help. You don't need to carry my baggage for me." Zak said, finally being able to speak up, faking the inflections of his voice to sounds more confident than he was. To sound in control, like he wasn't scared shitless. </p><p>"Yeah, but you're my best friend. I love you. I want to help you," Darryl no longer cared about holding back his tears as they freely made their way down his face, he was scared too, "But clearly you don't want help. I can't watch you destroy yourself. I'm sorry Zak. I just need some time."</p><p>"What?" Zak sputtered out.</p><p>Darryl leaned down, leaving a kiss on the top of Zak's head, "I'm sorry, Zak. You have a key, this is your place as much as it's mine. You have my number if it's an emergency. I love you, I'm sorry, but this is hurting me too."</p><p>Zak just shut down as he watched his friend leave his room. A few minutes later he passed the doorway again, saying a quick goodbye, a small duffel bag on one arm and the little white dog in the other.</p><p>He sat, frozen until he heard the door shut. He managed to will himself to look out the window of his room, watching Darryl reverse out of the driveway. Watching until he turned a corner and left his sight.</p><p>He sat, hoping it was a cruel joke, waiting for Darryl's car to come back to the house. But it never did. The birds started chirping and colors began to explode on the horizon as the sun rose. Zak laughed a humorless laugh as he realized once again he had lost complete track of time. But this time Darryl wasn't there to bring him out of his thoughts. </p><p><em>See, even when everyone leaves, you still have this.</em> His cruel mind chimed in. He got his wish didn't he, he no longer had to lie to his friend. He was free to self destruct to his heart's content. Darryl didn't want to see him destroy himself? Well, now he didn't have to watch. He got his wish, didn't he?</p><p>Suddenly he missed the numbness he had felt. He missed being carelessly apathetic. Because now he was feeling too much and none of it was good.</p><p>Zak crawled into his bed, after closing his blinds to block out the annoying sun and even more annoying outside world. He threw every blanket over of himself, trying to combat the cold he felt in his bones. Eventually, cold, drained, depressed, and hungry, the world around him went dark.</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. twenty two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Darryl drove in silence trying to calm the tears flowing freely down his face. He was halfway to his parent's house, a little under an hour away, the colors in the sky blending, showing him that this was an ungodly hour to drive. The regret started to sink in. He mentally slapped himself for leaving his friend. Zak's face full of hurt and confusion was burnt into his vision as he stared at the empty road ahead. Fuck. But he wasn't in a good enough place to be there either. This was quite the predicament, but he knew he had to stay away at least for a few days to cool off.</p><p>He poked around the screen on the dashboard for a few seconds before the ringing of the loudspeaker filled the vile silence in the car.</p><p>"Bad, what the hell do you know what time it is?" He heard Dream groan as well as the ruffling sounds of his bedsheets as he stretched and sat up to take the call. With this guilt of everything that had just happened and now this, Darryl just sniffled, strangling a cry that was about to escape his lips.</p><p>"Bad? Hey it's alright I wasn't even really sleeping anyway, I was just talking to George and Sapnap," still just silence. Dream sighed into the mic of his phone, "Talk to me Bad, what happened."</p><p>Darryl's knuckles whitened as his grip on the steering wheel tightened. Forcing himself to speak up, he called for a reason, well it was kind of auto-drive, he wasn't sure why he had called. But he wasn't about to sit here like a silent idiot.</p><p>"Bad?"</p><p>"Yeah, sorry, I just- So much happened tonight," He sighed, "I didn't think before I called, I just- I don't- I was just driving and then- I don't know-"</p><p>Dream shushed him cutting his panicked rambling off. "Well, we're here now right? Just talk to me." Darryl could hear the comforting smile through Dreams words, although he couldn't even see his face.</p><p>"I just thought he was finally getting better. I thought we were doing so well," Suddenly Darryl felt anger, not really at Zak, more at himself for being so blind, "Then I caught him after dinner, two fingers down his throat. And he was shirtless. Fuck Dream, he looks like a corpse."</p><p>Dream winced at the visuals. Uncomfortable at hearing someone else's personal struggles behind their back. Sure he'd spoken to Darryl and Zak a couple of times. When Zak was at the hospital the first time they spoke about it a tiny bit, hard not to. But besides that, they stuck to less heavy conversations.</p><p>"How is he doing?" Dream broke the awkward silence that had taken over the call momentarily.</p><p>"I don't know, hopefully resting."</p><p>"Wait you're not with him?" Dream cut in quickly.</p><p>After a few moments and a deep breath, "No, I'm on my way to my parent's house, I just need some time."</p><p>"You left him there alone?"</p><p>"Don't say it like that, you're making me feel worse than I already feel."</p><p>"I mean... it's a pretty bad situation. But I understand. You're both adults, you're not responsible for him even though you're best friends. Your mental health matter too." Dream tried to reason, trying to push away the slight irritation he felt knowing Darryl ran away, but on the other hand he couldn't really blame him. Months of believing Zak's lies. Neither of them was to blame though.</p><p>"How could he do this to me Dream?" Darryl said through a cry.</p><p>"He didn't do anything to you, sure it hurt to see but, he's doing this all to himself," Dream said as calmly as possible, not watching to set the other off.</p><p>"Yeah but I've been here the whole time helping him, showing him I'm there for him-"</p><p>"That's not how mental illness works," Dream quickly cut him off, "It's an illness, you can show someone with diabetes that you love them but that still won't make diabetes disappear..." He trailed off realizing he was losing sight of the original conversation, "Okay off-topic kinda but you know what I mean. some affection isn't going to make him peachy. He needs time and treatment and obviously your support, which he has, but you can't expect him to be 100%. And besides, relapses are normal, it doesn't mean he's back to square one."</p><p>For a while, Dream thought Darryl had gotten pissed off and hung up, but then he heard the sounds of sobs and ragged breaths fill the call.</p><p>"It's alright Bad, just pull over to the side of the road for me okay? Can't have you driving like this." Dream pleaded, trying to hide the concern in his voice.</p><p>Darryl gave a hum in agreement as he let his car slow to a stop. Now that it was safe he let himself go, crying his eyes out. Dream quickly texted his other friends saying he wouldn't be back on call for the night, and he sat there letting Darryl calm himself down.</p><p>"I really messed up, didn't I dream?" Darryl said after sucking in a sharp breath. "I should turn around."</p><p>"No, you're hurting too, take care of yourself too," Dream said, carefully thinking of his next words, "I can drive down to your house, check on Zak. It's only a few hours away, I can be there by the afternoon."</p><p>"Are you sure?" Darryl questioned timidly, biting at his bottom lip while he pulled back onto the road.</p><p>"Yes, he's my friend too, yeah? I love you both I want both of you to be okay." Dream affirmed.</p><p>"Okay."</p><p>"It's set then, I'm gonna rest a bit and I'll head out in a couple of hours. You have an extra key or something?"</p><p>Darryl groaned realizing his stubborn friend would likely not let Dream in if he just showed up on the door unexpectedly.</p><p>"No, you're just gonna have to get him to open the door for you. Maybe shoot him a heads up text? I would but, I doubt he wants to hear anything from me." Darryl sighed, feeling tears prick at his eyes again, threatening to fall. "I really hurt him."</p><p>"Maybe, he's in a bad place right now, but he still loves you. You're best friends, come on now, everyone knows that." Dream smiled, hoping his confidence rubbed off on his friend over the phone.</p><p>Darryl let himself smile, humming in agreement. "Right, well I'll let you get some rest, I'm sorry about this mess."</p><p>"Don't apologize, we're all friends alright. This is what friends do. If I was struggling, I know you guys would do the same."</p><p>Meanwhile, Zak sat awake again. Back against the headboard of his bed, slowly sipping on a mug of water he heated on the stove. He felt the burn of the water against his throat. Uncomfortable for a moment before he felt it warm him up more than the multiple blankets we're doing.</p><p>He dropped his head over the mug, breathing in the steam, letting it break up the gross thick snot that coated his beaten up esophagus, caused by his habit of locking himself in the bathroom after a stressful meal.</p><p>Suddenly his phone buzzed, scaring him from within his hoodie pocket. He pulled it out and flipped it overseeing a contact he had not expected to see. Dream. The last time they had talked was on a group call with a bunch of other friends, streaming jackbox. They rarely talked alone. Hesitantly, he unlocked his phone to see the texts.</p><p>
  <strong>Dream:</strong>
  <em> i'm coming over in a few hours</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Dream:</strong>
  <em> be awake by midday i don't have a key</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Dream:</strong>
  <em> Skeppy?</em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> did darryl make you </em>
</p><p>
  <strong>Dream:</strong>
  <em> no one made me do anything :)</em>
</p><p><strong>Dream:</strong> <em>just open the door for me when i get there alright. wouldn't wanna be stranded</em></p><p>
  <strong>Skeppy:</strong>
  <em> sure</em>
</p><p><strong>Dream:</strong> <em>i'll be there in a few hours</em></p><p>
  <strong>Dream:</strong>
  <em> get some rest</em>
</p><p>Zak scoffed, once again feeling babied. Another person he'd have to lie to. He wasn't sure how much longer he could keep up this act. But for now, he just let himself curl up and stare at the wall until sleep overcame him or Dream arrived. Whichever came first.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. twenty three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>tw</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He never slept that night, feeling too depressed to even sleep, which was a first, considering sleep was all he felt he could do right. His phone buzzed, and he brought it up to where he could see the screen. The sudden brightness of it painful in the dark room. Sure it was light out, but the heavy black blinds erased any evidence of it being early in the afternoon. Another text from Dream.</p><p><strong>Dream: </strong>Im<em> at your door</em></p><p>He sighed, forcing himself up off the bed, shrugging the blankets away, leaving the empty mug on the nightstand. He checked the mirror quickly. Eye bags engraved into his dry dull skin. The hoodie hanging off his pointy shoulders, sweatpants threatening to fall. He tightened the string of the bottoms, not wanting to pants himself and embarrass himself more than he already was. Eventually, he willed himself to make his way to the front door, body aching with the simple movement.</p><p>Dream was relieved when the door finally swung open. There stood Skeppy, looking like he was about to collapse. Dream gathered himself, not wanting to make the other uncomfortable with his worried gaze, so he smiled.</p><p>"Hey!"</p><p>"Hi," Zak said dully, before fully realizing he had a guest just awkwardly standing at the door with his stuff, "Sorry, come in," he forced a smile.</p><p>"Thanks," The blonde replied, dropping onto one of the couches, Zak closed the door and sat in a seat near where Dream was at. "What a way to face reveal, huh?" He joked.</p><p>"What," Zak said, brain fuzzy before he could make sense of the words, "Oh! Shit, I'm so sorry it slipped my mind. Nice to finally put a face to the name, uh, you look good," he gushed awkwardly.</p><p>Dream laughed at his response, "Thanks man!", there he was, shaggy dirty blonde hair, sun-kissed skin littered with freckles, and the iconic green eyes. The smiley white blob finally had a face.</p><p>"That all your stuff?" Zak motioned towards Dreams duffel bag. Dream nodded. "Well, you can stay in Bad's room, not like he's using it anyways." He muttered.</p><p>"He really cares about you, you know? He called me breaking down when he left," Dream supplied through a slight frown.</p><p>Zak dropped his eyes to his fuzzy sock covered feet, "Yeah well, he left so," a deep breath and all the sudden irritation left his body, replaced with just hurt. "Not that I blame him."</p><p>"You look exhausted, why don't you nap," Dream suggested, "And I'll wake you up in like, 3 ish hours? I can make us dinner then," he added carefully, not sure what to expect from Zak when food was brought up.</p><p>Zak nodded, "Yeah man, uh, I'll just be in my room I guess," pushing himself off of the seat he was at, weakly walking back, his bed coaxing him to bundle up and let the world wash away for a moment. Sleep was nice, the closest thing to death without really dying. It was like death for people with commitment issues. But the downside was that time seemed to pass incredibly fast. It was frustrating not being able to enjoy sleep as just, existing. Instead, it seemed like in two seconds you went from falling asleep, to waking up. An unfortunate time travel. And soon enough, Dream was shaking Zak awake.</p><p>"Hm?", the younger questioned, groggily.</p><p>"Dinners ready," Dream said, hesitant.</p><p>"Lovely."</p><p>Dream laughed at the obvious sarcasm, dripping from Zak's voice as he stood up rubbing his eyes harshly. They made their way to the dining table.</p><p>Zaks's eyes widened at the two generous servings of pasta, in bowls, aggressively looking up at him from the wooden table.</p><p>"Um, Darryl had some whole wheat noodles, and I used like barely half of the marinara sauce, It's really good I promise." Dream said trying to calm Zak, noticing the look of panic that had washed over his face upon seeing the food. Dream knew it was bad, Darryl wouldn't cry over just anything, but he wasn't sure how to approach the topic now that he was here, dealing with it. Obviously, it wasn't as simple as just eating, he knew well enough that eating disorders were complicated issues with many layers, food was just the tip of the iceberg.</p><p>"Eat as much as you can, alright?"</p><p>"Alright."</p><p>They sat down, Dream hungrily digging in, not having eaten since his stop at a gas station on the trip over, where he got a pack of Haribo gummies and some carbonated melon milk, Sapnap's recommendation, of course. Halfway through his bowl, he noticed Zak twirling the noodles around on his fork, but never bringing any to his mouth. He sighed.</p><p>"Just a bit, please man, I'm no professional, I don't know how to handle this, so I'm just saying this as your friend. You're worrying me, all of us, and that's not for you to feel guilty about, we worry because we love you. But seriously, you're hurting yourself." Zak let his head hang low, letting Dreams words sink in, before scooping some pasta up onto his fork and forcing himself to eat it. Dream smiled, but stayed silent, not wanting to say anything that could potentially trigger him.</p><p>By the time Dream was finished, Zak had made through half of his bowl. He wanted to try, but all the thoughts bouncing around were so incredibly painful. Eating should not be this stressful, he knew that, but he truly couldn't help it anymore. Sweet words weren't enough to calm him down. The food threatened to come back up, and he dropped the fold into the bowl, standing up.</p><p>"I have to go use the restroom really quick,"</p><p>Dream quickly stood up as well, calmly stopping him from leaving, "Sorry, no can do. If that's all you can stomach, it's alright. Just give it like 30 minutes m'kay? We can talk on discord with Sap and George or something, yeah?" Zak looked up at him, tear glazed eyes, the internal conflict obvious, but still, he gave a weak nod, dropping back in his seat.</p><p>Dream messaged the group chat of three. He asked if they were on call right now and they said yes. He quickly explained the situation, well, as much as he could without completely throwing Zaks privacy under the bus, basically saying he just needed a friendly distraction and to steer clear from anything too deep. They all knew Zak was struggling with an eating disorder, Zak himself came clean one day on a group call with a bunch of his friends. But hitting rock bottom, was something vulnerable, Dream even feeling like this wasn't for him to witness.</p><p>For a while, it worked. The call stayed positive. Dream wheezing like a teacup at whatever stupid joke someone would bring up. George got his voice changer on and rapped an awful rap. It almost worked, but tonight, nothing could shut Zak's mind up. <em>Just fucking get rid of it</em>.</p><p>Zak couldn't take it anymore, at this point he didn't even have to force himself, he just felt like he would be sick at any moment. He stood up, quickly shoving the chair back, and ran to the kitchen sink, emptying his stomach, tears, and snot mixing into the sink as well.</p><p>"Fuck, I'll call back later," Dream muttered rushing to leave the call.</p><p>"Dream? Everything okay?" George asked tentatively. Meanwhile, Sapnap just sat there trying to understand what was going on.</p><p>With a sigh, he answered "No, sorry, goodnight," and finally left the call. He rushed after Zak, finding him hunched over the sink. He softly pats the other's back unsure of what to do now, looking away not wanting to make Zak more uncomfortable than he would already be. He heard a gasp and forced himself to look back towards the smaller in confusion.</p><p>"What the fuck," Was all Zak could say, in a raspy voice, as he looked into the sink.</p><p>"What?" Dream said, uneasy at the other's reaction.</p><p>"Blood..."</p><p>"What?" He half asked half yelled, willing himself to lean towards the sink. Sure enough there it was, mixed into the mess, blood. Nothing immediately life-threatening it seemed, but nonetheless, severely alarming.</p><p>"Oh my god," Zak whispered, to no one in particular, "I'm dying."</p><p>"Stay right here, I'm getting my keys, were going to the hospital." Dream affirmed, pushing himself away from the sink, rushing to get his keys from his room. He threw everything around, suddenly not being able to find them. He had spent a while unpacking the things from his duffel bag, he must've misplaced the keys. A minute later he finally heard the jingle of metal-on-metal, coming from the pocket of a jacket he had hung over a chair. He plucked them up and ran back into a now Zak-less-kitchen. Fuck.</p><p>"Zak left as soon as Dream rushed into Darryl's room in search of the keys. He forced his body to carry him as far away as possible. When he had to stop, lungs burning, he saw he had made it to the city center. Great, if he was dying, it certainly would not be sober.</p><p>He stumbled into a bar, begging the bartender for some vodka. The poor man just shook his head, asking for an ID. Zak was 21, but he looked small, and maybe 19 at most. To his dismay, his wallet was not in his pocket. No ID no drink. He was about to make his way out of the bar when a gruff looking man tugged on his wrist.</p><p>The stranger smirked at Zak, "You just got here. Running away so soon?"</p><p>"Yeah, fucking bartender doesn't think I'm 21," Zak scoffed. He studied the stranger's face. He looked rough but seemed to be in his late twenties at most. Looking more worn down, rather than old.</p><p>"That right?" He said in a weird tone Zak couldn't really read, "I've got a couple of tabs of acid, you look like you want to let go of something. This will definitely do it for ya."</p><p>"I don't have my wallet with me, I appreciate it though," Zak said a bit disappointed.</p><p>"A kiss from a pretty young man like yourself might make up for it," The man quickly chimed. The thought slightly grossed Zak out, but also, he couldn't really find any other option. Alcohol clearly wasn't a choice as of now, unless he wanted to face Dream in search of his wallet. Which he didn't.</p><p>"Fine,"</p><p>The man was far too drunk to taste the bile on Zaks's lips. The kiss was sloppy, with absolutely no feeling in it. It ended as quickly as it started, much to Zaks relief. The man placed the two tabs in a small baggie onto Zak's palm.</p><p>"Careful with these," The man warned as he folded Zak's fingers into a fist over the bag. Zak nodded and quickly ushered himself onto the empty street. He started laughing at the stupid man, too inebriated to realize he had traded 30 dollars worth of LSD for the world's shittiest non-kiss. He sat on an unoccupied bench pulling the baggie into his view. Sure enough, two squares, both with blurry images printed on the happy little things. He squinted and laughed when he saw two characters from Mario, looking up at him from underneath the plastic. Zak placed a tab under his tongue nearby while the paper softened. He waited impatiently. Not feeling anything as quickly as he wanted to, so he dropped the second tab where the first had been. He laid onto the cool bench, facing the darkening sky, letting the tabs work their magic..</p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. twenty four</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>i need to make it abundantly clear, that substances, in this case psychadelics should not be considered a treatment for mental illness. For specific people, it make help, but it may also go very wrong. This chapter is based of experiences (of my friends and my own), but please do your own research and stay safe. Im an advocate for harm reduction, instead of purely abstinence education. </p><p>these two links are informative, but like i said stay safe, and talk to your own medical professionals, theyre there to help you.</p><p>https://zendoproject.org/zendo-project-in-the-media/7-ways-to-help-someone-whos-having-a-bad-trip/ </p><p>https://www.verywellmind.com/psychedelic-treatment-for-eating-disorders-5094106</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>He laid down in the grass, somehow having arrived at a park. Not being able to remember a single second of the trip from the lonely bench to where he was at now. The small park, however, looked slightly familiar. Zak closed his eyes and let his body naturally do the breathing for him, diaphragm moving up down as his lungs filled with air. The freshest air he had ever breathed. Maybe it was the crisp morning air, maybe it was just in his head. But it felt fucking amazing. He let his head drop and his cheek was caressed by the grass and a few dandelions. A goofy smile slipped onto his face.</p><p>Suddenly he opened his eyes, and they widened. <em>Holy shit</em>. The grass. The green blades were suddenly swallowing him whole as they grew feet over his head. They kept growing, reaching for the sky. For a second he felt insane anxiety, but the next he completely forgot why he was worried at all. A giggle fell out of his lips. He surprised himself, like a puppy hearing itself bark for the first time. Had he made that noise, he didn't know anymore, nor did he care. The dew-kissed grass soaked itself into his hoodie, making his cold body even colder in the night breeze.</p><p>A deep laugh bubbled up from his stomach as he cracked up. Why was he even so worked up? A few hours ago, he could barely remember what happened, but whatever it was must've not really even mattered that much, he felt so deeply delighted right now. Zak plucked the prettiest flower in his reach. A soft white daisy. The petals felt like smooth velvet in his fingers. He brought it closer to his face and further away over and over, being incredibly amused as it got smaller and larger. Suddenly the long oval petals stretched out, reaching towards him. He tossed the flower away with a laugh.</p><p>"Skeppy? That you," a voice called to him, slightly distorted, maybe by the distance or the wind.</p><p>"The one and only," Zak looked around his surroundings, puzzled at not finding anyone, "Who's asking?"</p><p>"It's me, Dream, mind if I sit next to you for a sec?" Dream said in a calm voice, hesitantly.</p><p>"Go for it man," the other responded with a grin towards the sky.</p><p>Had it been minutes? Hours? days? Seconds? He hadn't a clue. Time was no longer relevant to him.</p><p>The grass next to him shifted as he felt a body drop next to where he was laying. Dream leaned forward looking into his almost black eyes, as his pupils had dilated significantly. Zak stared into Dreams green eyes in return. They were different from Darryls eyes. Where Darryl's eyes had a hint of blue and looked like an eye of ender, Dreams green was warmer. How green could be warm at all, he had no idea, but it was. Suddenly he missed Darryl. He was brought from his thoughts as Dreams face began to shift, the outline of every hair on his head tracing in movement. And his eyes, oh god. They were huge. He could almost swim in the whites of his eyes, he looked like he was in an anime.</p><p>"Weeb," Zak's mouth said before his mind even caught up. He slapped a hand over his mouth in the realization that he actually said that out loud.</p><p>Dream just let out a hearty laugh, raising his brows at his friend on the lawn. "What?"</p><p>"Fuck," Zak joined in the laughter, "It's just your eyes, your face but mainly your eyes, they're ginormous, you look like you came straight out of an anime or manga or whatever the fuck Sapnap's always talking about."</p><p>"Jesus, what'd you even take man?"</p><p>"Two tabs of acid," he responded through a smirk. "Some guy at the bar gave them to me, told me to loosen up a bit."</p><p>"And you just took what a stranger gave to you?" Dream said incredulously. Zak pondered it for a moment and nodded happily, not really seeing an issue with it. "And what were you even doing at the bar, you can't drink on antidepressants Zak, come on now."</p><p>"I know," the other grinned, "I didn't drink silly. Acid. Do I need to spell it out for you? L. S. D. You know, the cute lil tabs."</p><p>Dream nodded and sighed, "Come on, let's get you back home, it's only a 5-minute walk, we'll be fine," He said, helping the other stand up. Zak watched in wonder as the grass withered away to its previous height. As the two got back up, Zak swayed and his vision faded in and out with the pounding in his head.</p><p>"I got you," Dream said steadying his friend with two sturdy hands on his shoulders. When Zak regained his vision, a chill ran through his body. Dream noticed and rubbed up and down Zak's arms to warm him up, "Cold? Makes sense, here," He says tugging his smile hoodie off his body tossing it over Zak's face playfully.</p><p>"Aw Dreamy, how chivalrous, what would Georgie say?" Zak teased, wiggling his eyebrows. Dream let out a laugh at the joke.</p><p>"Har har, quite the comedian aren't ya," he responded, "And Georgie would say to take the hoodie before your ass turns into an icicle."</p><p>"Fair point," Zak says, throwing the giant lime green hoodie over his own. Dream takes the other's icy hand in his as he leads them to the house. Who knows if Zak would've made it back alone, for all he knew he could've been thinking he was living on Mars.</p><p>"So what was printed on them?" Dream said to pass the time, what's done is done, he might as well let Zak enjoy his trip in a safer environment, where he wouldn't become hypothermic.</p><p>"Belle Delphine," Zak joked.</p><p>"No chance, for real?"</p><p>"No," Zak paused trying to scratch through his slow brain to remember the little drawings on the tabs. "Oh! I remember, one was princess peach and the other was that mushroom looking guy, you know the one?"</p><p>"Toad?"</p><p>"Yeah! That's the one," The shorter said, staring down at the cracks in the sidewalk as they made their way back to the house. Said cracks were currently weaving around like snakes, or maybe just really skinny worms, like the funny ones that come out when it rains.</p><p>Dream cracked a smile at this. He hadn't heard Zak be so animated in quite a while. Even when he joined streams the past couple of months, there was something, off. No one could quite pinpoint it. He just hoped that he could claw himself out of whatever mental ditch he was currently in and be this joyful without lsd or anything else.</p><p>Like a real life time skip, Zak realized he was now sitting on a couch. It was an odd feeling, he could barely even feel his body at all. Visually he was sitting, but mentally he felt like he was laying down. He began to move his fingers, learning that he was clutching onto the corners of a blanket that had been draped over him. Taking in the room around him, he finally noticed Dream crouched in front of him, eye level.</p><p>"Hey," Dream smiled, "Welcome back."</p><p>"What happened?" Zak said in a scratchy voice, throat dry from being dehydrated and sitting out in the cold for however long he was at the park.</p><p>"No clue, you were walking and talking, and then you just sort of retreated into your thoughts or something, I dunno you looked spaced out and-," Dream cut himself off seeing the others confused and mildly scared expression at realizing he couldn't remember the last few minutes, again. "Hey, it's fine though, we're okay, we're back home, yeah?" He quickly reassured. It seemed to work because Zak just let himself go limp into the couch.</p><p>"Where are my arms?" the smaller man asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence.</p><p>Dreamed looked up in confusion, but grabbed Zaks hands carefully, bringing his arms in front of their faces. Zaks face went from confusion to realization and he giggles quietly.</p><p>"You good man?" Dream asked, a little concerned.</p><p>"Yeah, yeah, I just feel weird..." Zak almost whispered.</p><p>"How so?"</p><p>"I don't feel real, nothing feels real, the carpet is fucking moving, that ugly tapestry on the wall moving." And it was, for Zak at least. The fuzzy carpet seemed to melt and the large tapestry that covered one of the living room walls had movement like the ocean waves. "I feel like I'm fucking dying."</p><p>Dream picked up the other's hand once again, bringing his fingers to his pulse point under the thumb, finding the pulse quickly. With a gentle smile, he brought two of Zak's fingers to where he'd felt the heartbeat. "It may feel like that, just know your hearts beating just fine alright? You're not dying." He affirmed, and Zak nodded with a deep breath.</p><p>"Do you want to listen to music?" Dream asked, reaching for his phone. Zak said a quick, yes, and so he put the Neighbourhood on shuffly in spotify, placing the speakers of the phone in a bowl on the coffee table, amplifying the sound. Zak closed his eyes while he paid attention to every instrument in the song they were currently listening to. "Sometimes it helps to verbalize what you're experiencing, keeps you from getting too overwhelmed, wanna try?"</p><p>"Yeah."</p><p>And so they spent another sleepless night, Zak sharing everything he was seeing, hearing, and feeling. Dream just nodded along, letting the other speak, never answering with judgment, letting him ride the trip out.</p><p>Soon Zak felt like he was grasping at any memory, when he finally remembered something, another memory would slip his mind. And with all that focus, he realized he was no longer in his body. Weird how you never really pay attention to every limb, but now he was hyperfocused in the lack of feeling where his hands or feet or knees or elbows or anything used to be. He was no longer on the living room couch.</p><p>It should've been making him anxious, logically, his body was gone, anyone would've been scared. But he felt oddly calm. He wasn't sure how much time was passing, but it felt like his mind was open like it never had been before. His thoughts were free, but not hostile as they usually would be. He didn't feel uncomfortable just existing. It was like the way his mind was constantly attacking him, went out the window, off the rails. But it was certainly not a bad thing. This was a feeling he hadn't felt in years, just silence in his mind. He didn't know who he was or where he was anymore. Just that he simply was. For once in a really long fucking time, at peace.</p><p> </p>
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<a name="section0025"><h2>25. twenty five</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>sorry short chapter, been struggling, withs school and with my own ED very not fun :/ but it's aight we got this shit stay safe, also this is kinda a filler, I know where I want this to go but I just didn't want to jump from one thing to the other so... enjoy some convo between zak n dream ig</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>"I don't regret it, it was nice really, but I'm never doing that again," Zak said through an airy laugh, "I quite enjoy being in my body now, last night it was like I just left everything physical."</p><p>"Yeah man," Dream said, focusing on the eggs he was scrambling in a too-small-pan, "I just tried to go along with you but it was hard keeping up with you, it's like we were on different dimensions."</p><p>Zak chuckled, thinking back trying to comprehend what the hell took place a few hours earlier. He zoned out racking through his mind, remembering sitting in the park, suddenly experiencing a bone-chilling cold, and then being swallowed whole by the couch back home. Home. This wasn't even his own house, it felt barren and sad without Darryl. And Rat. <em>I wonder if he hates me now, I don't know if I could handle that</em>, he thought.</p><p>"Zak?" </p><p>Zak looked up to face his friend, whose face was painted with poorly hidden concern, "hm?"</p><p>Dream sighed, "Everything good? I've been trying to get your attention for a while," he trailed off.</p><p>"Yeah sorry, just thinking," Zak reassured.</p><p>"Right well," Dream started deciding to drop the cautious act, "I'm not gonna sugarcoat anything, so if you don't want to get sick, or pass out, here's some eggs."</p><p>The younger pondered it for a second. It was up to him. He did feel awful. About to keel over and die awful? Maybe not... yet. But awful nonetheless. He looked over to the blonde, he was busy eating his own food, scrolling through his phone.</p><p>Dream tried his best to avoid the elephant in the room, all the dirty laundry had been aired out, what's the point of bringing more attention to the meal. He could sense the nerves radiating off the other. He mindlessly scrolled through the apps on his phone, settling to pretend to text someone while he ate. He was unsure of where the boundaries were, especially for something like this. He voiced Zak's freedom to do as he chose, but he wasn't going to just leave him alone, not after yesterday, that'd be careless. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a tanned wobbly hand poke some of the egg with the fork.</p><p>The fork was raised a few times, set down, and swapped for a long sip of water, but eventually, Zak let himself eat on his own terms. The anxiety was threatening to choke him. Slowly but surely, he made it through the plate. Dream hid his surprise, and kept the praise away, Zak could tell, but he appreciated it. He most certainly didn't feel like being coddled today, and luckily the other seemed to understand a little. Still, it was obvious, to him, Dream had just been thrown into this, like a god damn babysitter.</p><p>A few painfully silent minutes passed before either decided to intercept it. </p><p>Zak wasn't sure if he could handle much more of this awkwardness, the self-deprecating thoughts, he felt silly for thinking he could just eat normally. Silly for thinking his mind would let him, even if he wanted to. He stood up.</p><p>"Nope." Caught off guard by the first words spoken, Zak whipped around to face his friend. "Sorry man, can't let you do that, I'm not judging you, don't panic."</p><p>How could he not fucking panic though? His mind was yelling at him to get rid of it, but the shame was telling him to sit back down. Once back in the chair his elbows met the table, tugging at his hair to shut his thoughts up, just for a moment.</p><p>"Dream," Zak breathed out, exhausted. Dream just hummed in acknowledgment, "I can't do this anymore, this is too much. And honestly, I don't know what going to give out first, my mind or my body."</p><p>"Nothing has to give out though, you're strong and-"</p><p>"Strong? For fucking starving myself for some sick sense of control? For shoving my fingers down my throat, head in the toilet? For lying to the one person that cared enough to try? I'm tired of it." Zak said exasperatedly. </p><p>Dream stopped to process what the other said, "I don't understand what you're going through, I'm not going to lie, so I can only imagine how painful it must be for you. I can't convince you that you are strong, but you're certainly not weak for battling with this." He searched Zak's face for a response but found none. He wasn't butthurt, there were no expectations for how this would go.</p><p>"I know you've been trying to deal with this on your own mostly, with Darryl, and a bit of therapy at the beginning, and I admire you for giving it your all, but there's no issue with getting professional help. I'm not going to force you or anything of that telenovela intervention shit. This will only work if you do it on your own terms, and for you."</p><p>"I know."</p><p>This threw Dream off for a moment, but he tried to cover it up. He hadn't been expecting the other to agree. Honestly, he thought we would get yelled at or maybe ignored. Much to his further surprise, Zak laughed, finally looking at his face.</p><p>"Wow, don't look so surprised," Zak said through a weak smirk, "I know I'm fucked up."</p><p>"Hey wait, I didn't say that."</p><p>"Come on man, let's drop the formalities, I puked blood, after freaking over some food, word it however you want, but I am most certainly not doing well." Zak continued, somehow finding it freeing to make light of his current situation. It made it feel less taboo and heavy.</p><p>"Well," Dream said, still unsure, "what would you like to do then? Where do we go from now?"</p><p>"I'm going to hate it, I know, but I need help. Serious fucking help. Something I can't just 'bs' out of in two weeks like last time," Zak gave in with a sigh.</p><p>"To the hospital then?" Dream supplied.</p><p>"No, not again, maybe I can just find one of my counselors and they'll refer me somewhere, I heard them talking about it before."</p><p>"Zak this is entirely up to you, but I really think we should make sure physically everything is okay, the blood could be a lot of different things, but it's better to be safe than sorry, yeah?" Dream said hopefully.</p><p>"Yeah, I guess that would be for the best," I just don't want to get trapped in the hospital again."</p><p>"And you won't, well talk this out with the doctors, they're professionals, If anything they'll be able to help get you the help that's right for you."</p><p>Zak nodded. He didn't feel strong. He felt weak. His mind was definitely screaming it at him. He was willingly giving in. He wanted to, but the claws of the painful thoughts wanted anything but that. Hesitantly he listened to whatever else Dream wanted to say, no longer feeling enough energy to say anything else, although the other didn't seem to mind, speaking enough for the two. He felt like he was floating again, but this time it was the anxiety, blurring everything. The trip to the car, then the hospital felt like one fluid motion. He imagined whatever reassurance his best friend would be telling him if he was here right now. Quickly shaking the thoughts away, Dream pushed him towards a Doctor that was calling his name.</p><p>"Want me to come with?" He suggested.</p><p>"Mom?"</p><p>Dream scoffed, "Okay smartass, just a suggestion," He paused, shifting to a serious yet gentle tone, "be truthful with them Zak, they're here to help, but we can't help you if we don't know exactly what's going on."</p><p>Zak nodded, and Dream watched the shorter man disappear into a room down the hall. </p>
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<a name="section0026"><h2>26. twenty six</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>sorry kinda a filler, just wanted to make sure this is as unromanticized as possible which I know is kinda hard for "hurt-comfort", but these disorders can be fatal. If you're dealing with this or think you might be please talk to someone.</p>
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    <p>Dream's foot anxiously tapped the grimy hospital floor. He sat in the waiting room while his friend went in to talk to a professional. Zak seemed pretty far gone, from the times Darryl and he caught up, Dream figured the whole thing was under control. Now he's just thankful Zak was able to shake himself enough to realize he really needed help, he seemed to be hanging on by a thread.</p><p>The chairs were unnecessarily hard and uncomfortable, inspiring though for such a grim place. The bright lights were starting to give him a headache. They had arrived at the hospital about four hours ago and finally were able to get someone to see Zak. Getting the hospital's psychiatrist down was a whole nother hour of waiting but finally, they were talking. Dream just waited, spinning his phone on his thigh. </p><p>He had been able to text Darryl. Sure it'd be up to Zak to talk things out later, but the other deserved to at least get some peace of mind after the past few stressful days. Darryl seemed relieved, but he was evidently still blaming himself for how things ended, he thought him walking out had been the boiling point. Hopefully once the dust settled they'd be able to catch up. Both of them were clearly hurt in some way. </p><p>"Clay?" Dream perked up at his real name being called out. He turned to face a smiley nurse, clipboard in hand at a set of swinging doors, "your friend is ready if you'd like to come back to his room?"</p><p>He nodded and stood up, popping a few joints, before following the nurse through the doors and down another glum hallway. Finally, they reached a room, pushing past a pale blue curtain sat </p><p>Zak looked up at the two new people entering the room. He winced at the uncomfortable scratchiness of the familiar tube going through his nostril. He was feeling extremely vulnerable, having spilled pure honesty to medical professionals for once. He saw as Dream gave him a quick once over, quickly masking the concern with a warm smile like the ones the nurse and the doctor sat to his right sported. </p><p>"So," The man in the lab coat started, "I'm Dr. Rivera, you must be his friend, Dream?"</p><p>"That would be correct," Dream affirmed before making eye contact with the younger, "how's everything going?" He asked, unsure how to phrase it or who to address at this point, the doctor or Zak. Zak just gestured to the doctor with a weak smile, hoping he'd save him from explaining all the ins and outs of the mess he got himself in.</p><p>"Wait," Dream interrupted, pulling his phone out of his pocket texting Darryl quickly to get on his computer, "Can we call Bad? He's been really worried and you guys are living together, I think he should hear this."</p><p>Zak sighed, nervous to have some sort of contact with his best friend after the night he left. <em>He's probably still pissed. Why wouldn't he be, even more now that we're dragging his ass into this mess again, </em>Zak thought to himself. However, he caved nodding at Dream, knowing he had a point regardless of what his thoughts repeated to him. Dr. Rivera smiled, giving them time.</p><p>"Hello?" Darryl's voice came through from a discord call on Dream's phone.</p><p>"Hey Bad," Dream supplied after a moment of awkward silence realizing Zak wasn't going to be the one to break the ice, "Were with the doctor, Zak and I thought you should be here to hear this since it kinda affects you both." Dream justified, getting a hum from Darryl in agreement.</p><p>"Well," Dr. Rivera looked down at the clipboard pushing his glasses further up his nose, "he's lucky to have come in when he did. Malnutrition can have irreversible effects, as well as purging."</p><p>Zak looked down at his lap, feeling like a child being scolded, in a way he was.</p><p>"He mentioned vomiting blood?" Dream nodded at the prompt, and the doctor continued, "That is due to Mallory Weiss tear, it will most likely heal on its own given he doesn't continue to purge. We ran some blood tests and the most concerning results were the electrolyte imbalance, common with bulimia, however, this can lead to several cardiac issues including arrest. For this, he is currently being given fluids through an IV."</p><p>Dream hears a choked sound and looks down at his phone to see that his friend muted his end of the call.</p><p>"We would like to keep him here at the hospital for about a week if everything goes well. We will be able to monitor for refeeding syndrome. We will also be using the nasogastric tube to aid weight restoration. But we can discuss what the game plan is for after that. However, it will be beneficial for him to stay here before going to treatment."</p><p>Zak feels the eyes on him and he shrinks into the thin mattress. "I don't want to be at hospitals anymore," He says timidly.</p><p>"I understand this is not the most pleasant place, but medical stability will allow for psychological recovery. You aren't trapped here, but I do believe it will be better if you stayed before moving to treatment," Dr. Rivera urged.</p><p>"Okay," Zak said dejectedly after a few tense moments of silence. </p><p>Darryl smiled to himself, knowing the other wouldn't be able to see or hear him as he had muted to cover a few sniffles that escaped him. Somehow this felt more hopeful. Zak had reached out on his own free will, if he was doing this, recovery, hopefully, it would be on his terms this time, and most importantly, for himself. </p><p>"Perfect," Dr. Rivera said, clasping his hands together, "There are about 20 minutes left on that bag, and after that well wheel you up to a more private room for your stay, visiting hours are about over for tonight but you're free to keep any electronics with you."</p><p>Dream smiled at Zak who just wordlessly nodded along.</p><p>"And how will we know what to do after he's deemed medically stable?" Darryl asked, finally unmuting himself.</p><p>"Tomorrow after he talks a bit more with the floor psychiatrist, we can all go over various options, sounds good, Zak?"</p><p>"Sure."</p><p>"Perfect, I'll be heading out, but once that bag is done, some nurses will help you get settled," Dr. Rivera commented, making his way back out the curtains.</p><p>"Thank you," Zak said calmly.</p><p>The Doctor smiled back at the two before setting his gaze on the younger ones on the bed, "rest up, well pick things up tomorrow."</p><p>Silence enveloped the room for a moment. Zak squeezed his eyes shut leaning his head back onto the unfortunate hospital pillow. He tried his best to block out all the odd sensations from the tube. He felt himself beginning to drift off.</p><p>Before he let sleep overcome him, he heard his best friend's voice over the dodgy discord audio.</p><p>"Love you, Zak," To which he smiled, letting out a breath, feeling some weight off his shoulds that he had been carrying for the past few nights since their argument.</p><p>Maybe things will be alright this time.</p><p> </p>
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